Hello, fellow moms of fifth graders,
I’ve been wanting to connect with you on a topic that’s been weighing on my mind. We often discuss things like screen time, navigating conversations about sex, academic expectations, and how to shield our daughters from the pressures of junior high life, but today I want to address something that feels even more urgent: the nature of their friendships and how they support one another.
We’re living in a challenging time for girls and women. While we hoped for progress, it often feels like we’re stuck in the same old patterns. There’s a lot on our plates: we can march for change, advocate for organizations like Planned Parenthood, mentor young girls, and engage with our local politicians. And we absolutely should! But we also need to start at home, fostering kindness and solidarity within our own families.
Our daughters are truly remarkable individuals—kind, passionate, and funny. Yet, they’re navigating a tumultuous cultural landscape that can be overwhelming. In this quest to find their identities, they sometimes struggle to be allies to one another.
This isn’t entirely their fault. They lack the tools to build strong, supportive friendships. I’ve observed situations on the playground where one girl dares to engage with another, only for the remaining girls to form an exclusive group, effectively shutting her out. It’s not outright bullying; it’s a subtle, insidious form of exclusion that echoes through their interactions.
This dynamic isn’t new. It’s reminiscent of the social struggles we faced in our own childhoods. I remember feeling like I was always searching for a place to belong, similar to the cafeteria experience in seventh grade. I had wonderful friends, but there were always underlying power plays.
There was a pivotal moment in sixth grade when our teacher, Ms. Thompson, intervened during a conflict among my friends and me. She took us into a private space, and after some tears and honesty, we emerged united, understanding that we were indeed stronger together. Ms. Thompson was the only adult who took the time to help us navigate our issues, reminding us of the importance of loyalty and friendship.
Unfortunately, girls today are at risk of carrying this cycle forward. They may unintentionally become part of the problem if we don’t help them understand the value of support and unity. We need to teach them that exclusivity is a myth; true strength lies in standing together.
I’ve been revisiting Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher, PhD. I first read it in college and vowed to revisit its lessons when I had a daughter. Pipher highlights how girls often shrink themselves to fit into narrow societal expectations, losing sight of their own identities. They need each other now more than ever, and they need our guidance.
How can we expect our daughters to embrace diversity and kindness towards others when they struggle to support one another? If we want them to reach out to friends from various backgrounds, we need to model that behavior ourselves. We can’t let our little suburban girls fall prey to a culture of competitiveness and exclusion.
To move forward, we must start with conversations. I don’t have all the answers, but acknowledging the issues is the first step. Perhaps we could create a Facebook group to share insights about kindness, insecurities, and the challenges of parenting fifth-grade girls. Or maybe we could organize a mother-daughter seminar to discuss these pressing topics. We could even reach out to a school counselor to help our girls understand the impact of a competitive culture on their friendships.
Does that sound overly dramatic? It’s not. While we may not have created this situation, we certainly have the power to change it. And it starts with empowering our daughters.
Let’s remind them daily to be kind and strong. Encourage them to stand up for each other and to express their feelings openly. It’s time to unite as mothers of 10- and 11-year-old girls.
When one of them says, “You have to come with us this weekend, or you’ll feel left out,” we have a choice. We can let them navigate these challenges themselves, or we can guide them toward a more inclusive way of thinking.
I want a brighter future for my daughter, and I believe you do too. Let’s commit to this important work together.
Share your thoughts on how we can foster open dialogues with our daughters about the significance of being kind, loyal, and supportive friends. Together, we can create a stronger, more inclusive community for them.
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Summary:
As mothers of tween daughters, it’s crucial to foster supportive friendships among them. By addressing issues of exclusion and competition, we can empower our girls to be kind and strong allies to one another.