Growing up, I often felt a sense of anxiety and confusion that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I thought that my feelings were somehow my fault, not realizing that they stemmed from my complicated relationship with my mother.
Years later, after diving deep into therapy and gaining self-awareness, I started to connect the dots. It became clear that my relationship with my mom was riddled with tension and discomfort, a far cry from the nurturing bond that I believed was the norm.
I understand that many people struggle with their mother-daughter dynamics, but mine felt uniquely challenging. In my 20s, after beginning therapy and recognizing the dysfunction in our relationship, I made the difficult choice to cut ties with my mother. This decision was not made lightly; it was incredibly painful, especially during holidays and birthdays. I battled waves of guilt and sorrow, questioning whether I was a terrible person for distancing myself from my mother. Why did everyone else seem to have such harmonious relationships with theirs? What was wrong with me?
As time passed and I focused on my personal growth, I considered reconnecting with her. However, I approached it cautiously, setting clear boundaries and being mindful during our interactions. While reconnecting eased some of my guilt and made me feel more “normal,” I soon realized I was emotionally drained. Even if things seemed “better” on the surface, I found myself back in a familiar state of hyperawareness that I had felt throughout my childhood.
I told myself that everything was fine—right?
Last summer, during a family trip, I felt an overwhelming sense of entrapment that I couldn’t ignore. Despite my growth, I was thrust into a situation that felt all too familiar, leading me to feel confused and ashamed, even though I had done nothing wrong. It was then that I knew it was time for another change. I decided to ghost my mother.
Although it wasn’t an easy decision, it proved to be far less challenging than when I first cut her off in my 20s. Letting go felt liberating. I released the pressure of trying to maintain boundaries, the burden of forcing a healthy relationship, and the hope of transforming her into the mother I needed. I simply let go.
There are still moments when I feel sad about this choice, mostly stemming from the realization of not having an emotionally available mother throughout my life, especially now that I have children of my own. However, I recognize that maintaining a toxic relationship can be emotionally draining and damaging to my mental well-being. I’m no longer that confused child; I’m a responsible adult with my own family to care for.
When I found myself in that uncomfortable situation last summer—one that left me feeling confused and broken—I knew it was time to take action. I blocked her number, ignored her text messages, and un-friended her on social media. I stopped responding to her cards and gifts.
In the year that followed, my self-esteem soared. I partnered with my best friend to start a business, reignited my passion for writing, and without my mother in my life, I felt liberated and free to embrace my authentic self. I realized there was space in the world for all that I had to offer—my intense emotions, loyalty, deep empathy, and creativity.
Since stepping away from my mother, I’ve been able to fully embrace who I am. If you’re looking for further insights into navigating complex family dynamics, check out this article on Cervical Insemination. And if you’re considering at-home insemination options, Make a Mom offers a reputable range of insemination syringe kits. For more resources on infertility and related topics, visit Mount Sinai.
In summary, the choice to cut my mother out of my life was one of the most challenging yet liberating decisions I’ve ever made. It has allowed me to focus on my family and nurture my own well-being, ultimately leading to a happier and more fulfilled life.