“I was so exhausted last night that I went to bed in the same position I woke up in. I didn’t even shift once,” my partner told me over the phone while I was browsing through a quirky boutique with friends during a weekend getaway.
“Wow, sounds like you really needed the rest. What did you do yesterday?” I asked.
“I took the kids out for a bike ride and, wanting to make it back in time for lunch, ended up taking them out to eat instead because I was starving.”
“Oh, that sounds like a blast.” At this point, I was only half-listening, distracted by a pair of shoes. But then his last comment caught my attention—he had taken our three kids, aged 2, 4, and 5, out to eat by himself, which was a first.
“How did it go?” I couldn’t help but feel a bit smug. I was curious to hear how he handled such a monumental task. It wasn’t that I doubted his capabilities, but I was eager for him to understand the challenges of solo parenting, especially in public. Perhaps this experience would give him insight into why I occasionally lost my cool when he was late or wanted to hang out with friends on weekends. While I believe we both deserve our time to unwind, he had never fully grasped what it’s like to manage the kids solo for extended periods.
“It was pretty crowded, but I met some really nice women. The waitress brought us crackers right away and helped with Anna and Jack while I took Addison to the restroom.”
He went on and on about how many compliments he received about the kids, how they expedited the kids’ meals, and how one woman even gave him a coupon for 15% off. I could only imagine his head swelling as he left the restaurant, perhaps expecting a round of applause for his parenting feats.
While I was pleased that they had a great time and my kids behaved, I couldn’t shake a bit of resentment towards those women. I understood they were trying to help, likely having their own kids and knowing the chaos that can ensue when dining with toddlers. But the underlying message was clear: my husband was seen as less capable simply because he was a man with children. The praise he received suggested he was some sort of superhero for just being a dad, when in reality, he was doing what any father should—spending quality time with his kids.
My frustration wasn’t rooted in envy over the compliments or the coupon. It stemmed from the double standards we still face. Generally, mothers don’t receive such overt acknowledgement, yet society is quick to applaud a father caring for his children. This sends a message to our kids that men might need assistance in parenting, while women do not. Even though my children were quite young, they noticed the difference and have asked why so many people helped their dad that day. It became a running joke, with them expecting heaps of crackers every time we dined out.
Yes, it’s heartwarming to see a father alone with his kids, and I get that it can be seen as attractive. But let’s be real—there’s no need for extra accolades. Just like mothers, fathers are fully capable of handling their kids in public. We shouldn’t undermine their abilities by second-guessing their parenting skills or offering help in ways we wouldn’t extend to women. We all know a mother can manage her children solo with ease, and guess what? So can a father. From my perspective, they do an outstanding job, and we should let them shine without the added fanfare.
For more insights on parenting dynamics, check out this other blog post here. If you’re considering family planning options, you might find helpful resources at Hopkins Medicine and check out Cryobaby for at-home insemination kits.
Summary:
This article discusses the double standards in parenting, highlighting how fathers often receive undue praise for simply spending time with their children, unlike mothers. It emphasizes that both parents are equally capable and should be treated the same when it comes to parenting responsibilities.