I recently came across an intriguing article by Emma Thompson in a major publication, where she criticized the label “single mother by choice.” Her argument was that this label creates an unnecessary hierarchy among single mothers, suggesting that some are more valid than others. Although her points were thought-provoking, they overlooked many women’s experiences. Traditionally, this term has been linked predominantly to affluent, heterosexual white women who leverage their resources to pursue motherhood on their own terms. This perspective, I agree, can come off as elitist and classist, effectively sidelining queer individuals, women of color, and those from low-income backgrounds who also identify as single mothers by choice.
For me, self-identifying as a single mother by choice is not merely a personal decision; it is a bold assertion of my autonomy and reproductive rights in a society that often undervalues Black motherhood, particularly when it comes to single Black mothers. When I made the decision to become pregnant, I was 33 and at the peak of my career, leading a significant research initiative at a major university. I had long desired to be a mother but was constantly bombarded with reasons that could delay that dream—my career, financial constraints, my small apartment, or the absence of a romantic partner. Yet, none of these concerns could deter me.
In those days, my evenings were typically filled with laughter and camaraderie at a local bar we jokingly referred to as our “Southern office,” due to its proximity to our actual workplace. So, when I announced my intention to pursue motherhood alone during one of our late-night discussions, the shock was palpable. “Are you certain?” they asked. “Absolutely,” I replied, and we raised our glasses in celebration.
By Valentine’s Day 2010, I was pregnant with twins through IVF—a process that is both expensive and lengthy, making it inaccessible for many women facing reproductive challenges, particularly those from marginalized backgrounds. At the Center for Reproductive Health at Columbia University and during my birthing classes, I often found myself as the only woman without a partner. The lack of representation among women of color was glaring, but I remained undeterred. My physician was incredibly supportive, embodying the spirit of empowerment we often associate with Rosie the Riveter.
As my pregnancy progressed, a friend expressed concern about how I would be perceived as a young, single Black mother, which I interpreted as an anxiety about the negative stereotypes that society often attaches to Black mothers—labels like poor, irresponsible, or dependent on public assistance. I simply replied that I wasn’t bothered by such judgments.
Frankly, I didn’t care what others thought. Having been raised by a single mother who struggled financially, I knew firsthand that the generalizations about Black single mothers—whether by choice or necessity—were fundamentally flawed. “Your husband must be thrilled!” they would say. “Are you planning to quit your job once the babies arrive?” Each of these questions carried problematic assumptions about marriage, sexual orientation, job flexibility, income, and parental leave, serving as a stark reminder of how much work remains in our society regarding women’s rights and motherhood.
I don’t have a husband, I conceived through IVF, and I made it clear when asked about my partner. I found amusement in watching the confusion unfold in others’ expressions, as they scrambled to make sense of my situation. “No need to apologize,” I would say. “I’m not ashamed of my choices.”
I choose to identify as a “single mother by choice” because it challenges prevailing narratives about motherhood and who has the right to define their parenting journey. This label is not about distancing myself from other single mothers—especially those who may be struggling. We are all in this together.
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In summary, identifying as a single mother by choice is a powerful statement that asserts my agency and challenges societal norms. It’s crucial to recognize the diversity within the single motherhood experience and celebrate the choices made by women from all backgrounds.