Parenting
I’ve said it more times than I can count—to friends, family, my own children, and even on social media for all to hear: Yes, despite my heart occasionally yearning for more, I’ve made my choice. I’m finished having children. Completely. 100% done. The baby-making chapter is closed. This uterus is now off-limits.
At 38 years old, which I’ve heard referred to as “advanced maternal age,” I’m the mother of two energetic boys, neither of whom managed to sleep through the night until well past their third birthdays. The thought of enduring that level of sleep deprivation again as I approach 40? No, thank you.
Pregnancy isn’t exactly a cakewalk for me either. My abdominal ligaments seem to rebel, causing excruciating pain with every step I take beyond a few feet. Plus, I have a short torso, which leads to relentless heartburn. During my last pregnancy, I felt so compressed that merely standing for a minute left me breathless.
Yet, the most significant factor in my decision is financial. Our early parenting years were riddled with financial struggles, and we’re only just now getting back on solid ground. With both boys in school, I can finally work without incurring sky-high childcare expenses.
If I were to win the lottery tomorrow and could become a stay-at-home mom, complete with fantastic live-in help for those much-needed naps, I’d consider having another baby in a heartbeat. But reality dictates otherwise. I know it wouldn’t be wise for us to plunge back into financial chaos or for me to endure more years of sleepless nights.
That said, I can’t deny I occasionally experience pangs for a tiny new addition. If I’m being honest, I crave those baby moments. Every time I glance at a baby picture of my boys or anyone else’s little one, my heart melts. I find myself frantically calculating how much I’d need to save for a decent maternity leave as a freelancer, without the safety net of an employer. I start bargaining with the universe for an easy pregnancy, a great sleeper, and a smooth delivery.
Sometimes, I even entertain thoughts of moving in with my mother-in-law to save money and embrace the concept of “it takes a village.” That’s when I know I’ve truly ventured into fantasy land.
And yes, I occasionally chastise myself for spiraling into these thoughts. If I’m so certain that adding another child isn’t the right path, why can’t I just let it go? But the truth is, life isn’t always black and white. It’s entirely possible to want multiple things at once and to feel torn about unfulfilled desires.
Some of us may never feel completely content with our family size. Many long for children they simply can’t have for various reasons. Conflicts about family planning can arise with partners, too. While I may not regret my choice now, I might ponder it differently in the future.
This is a complex issue for many families and can be a significant source of tension. Personally, I’ve come to accept that this internal struggle may arise periodically, perhaps until my reproductive years come to an end. The “what-ifs” will linger, and a part of me will always yearn for that additional child, regardless of how illogical it may seem.
However, for the most part, that longing isn’t present. I find immense joy in being done with having kids, watching my boys gain independence, and witnessing their growth and accomplishments. They still need me in their unique ways, reminiscent of their baby days.
I genuinely believe our family is exactly where it needs to be, and I’m grateful for that. As for those fleeting moments of doubt? I’ll aim to embrace them, practice self-compassion, and acknowledge that they’re part of this beautiful, chaotic journey called motherhood.
For more insights on navigating family decisions, check out this related blog post on our site. And if you’re considering at-home insemination, be sure to explore reputable options like Cryobaby’s Home Insemination Kit. For further information on pregnancy and related topics, Healthline offers a wealth of resources.
In summary, while the decision to stop having children is firm, it’s natural to experience occasional pangs of longing. Embracing the complexities of family planning can lead to a more fulfilling journey through motherhood.