During a recent visit to our local grocery store, my kindergartner spotted a bag of chocolate-covered toffee. When she asked if we could buy it, I quickly agreed.
“Do I have to share?” she asked nervously.
I sighed. My 5-year-old son, Max, has always had a tough time with sharing. He was the toddler who would drag his toys closer whenever another child approached. When friends come over, he often hides his favorite action figures instead of taking turns. Even at breakfast, he worries about sharing the pink striped hula hoop during recess.
It’s not that he doesn’t understand the concept. Through preschool, playdates, and kindergarten, he’s been taught that sharing is essential and that “sharing is caring.” Yet, letting go of his belongings—whether it’s a favorite pencil or a bit of ice cream—remains a significant hurdle. Though I try to emphasize the benefits of sharing, like kindness, I often find myself coaxing or bribing him to do so, all while feeling the weight of judgment from others.
This pressure sometimes makes me want to assert my authority and insist he shares, fearing the consequences of him not doing so. When he does share, it makes me feel like a successful parent; but forcing him doesn’t truly benefit him. Research indicates that we often view our possessions as extensions of ourselves, so it’s understandable that children resist giving up items they feel define them. While adults might find it absurd if a stranger demanded their phone, we often expect our children to comply with similar demands.
This led me to question whether something was wrong with Max. Why was he so reluctant to share? Was he lacking in empathy? I’ve watched him show kindness to pets and rush to aid a friend who scraped her knee, yet sharing remains a struggle. Perhaps being the youngest in our family, where many belongings are hand-me-downs, contributes to his feelings of ownership. Could it be a fear of losing control? I know I feel uneasy when faced with unexpected demands; maybe he’s inherited that from me.
Regardless of the reasons, Max’s difficulty with sharing doesn’t have to define him. The ultimate goal isn’t merely about teaching him to endure the discomfort of relinquishing a favorite toy or meeting societal expectations. What truly matters is instilling kindness and empathy, helping him understand how his actions influence others. I want him to share because he genuinely wants to—not because I or anyone else is pressuring him, or because another child is upset. I want him to experience that warm feeling of generosity when giving something to someone else actually enriches both parties.
As I gazed at Max’s worried face, contemplating the possibility of having to divide his cherished toffee with his older siblings, I decided against forcing him to share. Instead, I aimed to guide him gently toward making a kind decision on his own.
“No, you don’t have to share,” I reassured him. “But your sisters would be so happy if you did.”
For more insights on parenting and sharing, check out this other blog post. And for those looking for resources on pregnancy and home insemination, the Fertility Center at Johns Hopkins Medicine is an excellent place to start, along with reputable retailers like Makeamom that offer at-home insemination kits.
To summarize, fostering a gentle approach to sharing can help children develop kindness and empathy, rather than forcing them to comply with societal norms. With patience and understanding, we can guide our children toward making their own generous decisions.