Living with panic attacks for over five years has been a tumultuous experience. I’ve had so many that I lost count long ago. Certain memories from my worst episodes linger in my mind like haunting shadows: house-sitting for a friend, countless nights in my college dorm room. Those moments are etched in my memory.
During these panic attacks, I experience the typical symptoms that most people associate with them—symptoms you could easily find by searching “What is a panic attack?” The rapid heartbeat that feels like a wild bird trapped in my chest, sweaty palms, nausea, and uncontrollable shaking. These physical manifestations of panic are terrifying, and I’m sure many can relate to having encountered something similar at least once.
Yet, panic attacks are not merely fleeting moments of anxiety or that startled feeling you might jokingly refer to as a “panic attack.” They can be deeply distressing experiences that can recur unpredictably. What most don’t realize is that the physical sensations are not always the worst part; the mental turmoil can be just as frightening. Some of the most challenging aspects of my panic attacks are derealization and depersonalization—two symptoms that seldom get the attention they deserve.
Derealization
Derealization refers to that eerie sensation of being disconnected from your surroundings. During a panic attack, everything feels alien, even if I’m in a familiar space like my own bedroom. Objects I know well, like my cat or my clothes, suddenly seem as if they belong to someone else’s life. It’s as though I’ve been transported into a bizarre realm where nothing is quite what it seems. This disconnection is terrifying; my mind is spiraling, and I’m left grappling with an experience I can’t comprehend. In those moments, I yearn for something tangible to hold on to, but my mind complicates even the familiar.
During these episodes, my loved ones can feel like strangers. This sensation makes traveling to new places daunting, even though I adore exploring new cultures and landscapes. The fear of losing my grip on reality often holds me back.
Depersonalization
On the other hand, depersonalization is an entirely different beast. It feels like being an observer of my own life, as if I’m watching myself from a distance. It becomes difficult to remember what truly matters to me, leaving me to move through life in a monotonous daze. Panic attacks drain my energy, leaving me in a constant search for reminders of who I am and what brings me comfort. It feels like an ongoing quest to reclaim my identity.
For me, the sensations of derealization and depersonalization are particularly unnerving because they stem from my mind rather than my body. They are invisible symptoms, making them even more frightening. Often, I feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom, as if the weight of the world’s problems rests on my shoulders. This mental burden exacerbates my panic, creating a relentless cycle that feels impossible to escape.
It’s important to understand that panic attacks are not just about a racing heart. They are not merely an extension of that jump scare you experience when someone surprises you. Sometimes the answer lies not in calming down and taking deep breaths but rather in clinging to the familiar and reassuring yourself that your surroundings are real. It’s about enduring the sensations with patience, even when every part of you wants to scream.
During these attacks, my body reacts in ways it knows best when faced with fear, often leading to a temporary disconnection from reality. I remind myself of this fact; it helps me feel a bit more in control. Panic attacks are a complex interplay between reality and illusion. While derealization and depersonalization can be terrifying, I hold on to the belief that they will pass. Eventually, I will return to who I am and reconnect with those I love.
Panic attacks can feel like an arduous journey back to a sense of normalcy. Even though I may feel “crazy” and out of control for a while, I remind myself that there is an end point. When my heart starts racing, I focus on that finish line.
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In summary, panic attacks encompass more than just physical symptoms; they can also involve complex mental experiences that are often overlooked. Recognizing these less-discussed symptoms can help us better understand what those suffering from panic attacks endure.