I’ve been navigating some challenging conversations with my therapist lately, particularly around my values and the motivations behind them. She pointed out that many of my beliefs seem to stem from a series of “not” statements. For instance, when asked what I want from my career, I replied, “I don’t want to get fired.” When she inquired about my spiritual aspirations, I said, “I don’t want to go to hell.” And when she asked about my role as a parent and partner, I responded, “I don’t want to be like my father.“
My own father was not a great role model. He left my mother when I was only nine years old, and his struggle with addiction ultimately led to his demise shortly after his fourth divorce. I found myself using my hard-earned money from making pizzas to bail him out of jail, a cycle that left a deep impact on my perception of family. Growing up amid a tumultuous divorce, I was tossed between homes, often forced to choose sides when all I wanted was harmony. I refuse to let my children endure a similar fate filled with new mothers and siblings every few years or the burden of raising bail money for me.
My therapist noted that reliance on “not statements” often indicates anxiety; it points to a person fleeing from something rather than moving toward a goal. This realization has prompted me to reflect on what I truly value as a parent—a journey that is particularly complex for those of us from broken homes. It’s all too easy to become motivated by the desire to avoid repeating our parents’ mistakes, but the question remains: is merely not being like my father enough to make me a good father? Anyone who grew up in a fractured household should grapple with this question; it’s daunting to aspire to be better than parents who may not have been fully devoted, as it sets an alarmingly low bar.
Reflecting on these values has encouraged me to shift my focus from the past to the future. There comes a moment in every parent’s life when they must stop measuring their progress against their upbringing and start envisioning the kind of parent they wish to become. This is the essence of breaking the cycle.
I’ve been contemplating what I genuinely want my children to take away from their experience with me as a father. I want them to unequivocally know that I love them, to feel secure in my presence, and to understand what an exemplary father truly looks like. I want them to witness the love I have for their mother through my actions. It’s crucial for them to see that love in a marriage is an active choice; I want them to observe us going on date nights, exchanging flowers, and navigating disagreements with patience and understanding. I want them to see me work diligently, knowing that sometimes love manifests in the most practical ways. I want them to hear me offer prayers of gratitude at dinner, wishing for their happiness.
It took me until my thirties to shift my perspective from who I didn’t want to be as a parent to who I aspire to be. I hope to instill in my children the importance of looking forward and envisioning their goals, rather than focusing solely on what they wish to avoid. Ultimately, I cannot dictate how my children will grow up; I can’t force them to excel academically or become devoted partners. However, I can provide a strong example of what it means to be a good father. By doing this, I aim to offer them far more than my own father ever could.
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Summary:
In the journey of parenthood, it’s essential to move from a mindset of avoidance—like not wanting to replicate the mistakes of one’s parents—to actively shaping a positive identity as a caregiver. Understanding the values you wish to embody can help break the cycle of negative familial patterns, ultimately creating a loving, stable environment for your children.