When I was around 8 or 9, a girl with bright red hair came to stay with us. The duration of her visit is a blur—was it a few days or a couple of weeks? What I do remember is that she wet the bed, which struck me as odd since she was a few years older. I learned, either through conversation or eavesdropping, that her father had a dark side—one that involved tossing her baby kittens against the wall during drunken fits. Each night, she cried herself to sleep.
My childhood was relatively normal, but I was always acutely aware of how different it could have been. My mom grew up in a nurturing environment, but my dad’s past mirrored that of our red-haired guest. Dysfunction was no stranger in our home.
My dad’s grandfather was a corrupt police officer who once chased his sons down an alley with a service weapon, thankfully too intoxicated to hit anything. My dad’s mother, despite her Catholic beliefs, bore six children with different fathers and often spiraled into blind rages fueled by her alcoholism.
It would have been easy for my father to fall into the same cycle of abuse and addiction that trapped many of his siblings. I remember the day my mother received the heartbreaking news that my dad’s younger brother, my charismatic uncle Tim, had taken his own life. I was only 10, and he was just 24, newly married. The scars from their childhood were deep, and the demons they carried waged an almost constant war within them.
But my dad made a choice. He resolved not to pass those demons down to his children. With a mix of self-awareness, prayer, my mother’s unwavering support, and sheer determination, he confronted the monsters haunting him.
We knew those demons were present. They occasionally surfaced in moments of anger. Many parents experience frustration, but it feels different when something darker looms beneath. There’s a palpable tension in the air when those monsters threaten to break free—a danger that everyone can sense. My dad did his best to protect us, but he couldn’t always guard us from the fallout of his internal battles.
What stood out, however, was his willingness to talk. He opened up about his upbringing, the chaos he endured, and the challenges of parenting while wrestling with his past. When he faltered, he apologized. Even as a child, I grasped how difficult it must have been for him to parent differently after experiencing such turmoil. I recognized how hard he fought to overcome his instincts. The struggle was ongoing, a constant war within.
Though my dad often fought alone, he wasn’t entirely isolated. Many parents who emerge from painful backgrounds strive to carve out a better life for their children. These cycle-breakers, who face their demons head-on, inspire me with their resilience and bravery.
Parenting is undoubtedly challenging, even for those from stable backgrounds. I can only imagine the courage it takes to resist the ingrained patterns of behavior that threaten to resurface. It’s a remarkable act of strength to break the chains of familial dysfunction.
If you’re a parent grappling with your own demons, know this: Your efforts matter deeply. Your children will reap the benefits of your labor more than you can possibly imagine. You may face setbacks, but if you remain transparent and honest with them, they will come to understand that your struggles are part of the journey. They will recognize that you are fighting for their freedom, and as they grow, they will appreciate your sacrifices.
Sometimes, I find myself pondering the fate of that red-haired girl whose name I can’t recall. I like to think she’s out there now, perhaps raising her own children and fighting her own battles. Maybe she has become a cycle-breaker like my dad, determined to nurture the next generation while minimizing the scars of the past. I can envision her, fierce and resolute, as she stands strong against the challenges that threaten her children’s future.
Her kids will thank her too.
If you’re interested in learning more about the complexities of family dynamics, check out this insightful post on breaking cycles of dysfunction or explore resources like March of Dimes for valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, for those considering at-home insemination, Make A Mom offers a variety of reputable kits to assist you in your journey.