As I eagerly anticipated the arrival of my first child, I was confident that motherhood would come naturally to me. Having cared for babies since I was young and having a genuine love for children, I felt prepared to face the challenges ahead. Life had always rewarded my hard work, and I believed parenting would follow suit.
However, reality soon shattered that illusion. Despite my extensive reading on parenting and even teaching classes, I found myself overwhelmed by my colicky baby. As he transitioned into a lively toddler, the challenges only escalated.
One winter day, I met up with a psychologist friend for a playdate, and within an hour, my son was attempting to hit her daughter. I felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me. We eventually decided it was time for a nap. “Maybe he’s just frustrated because he can’t express himself,” she suggested. I soon learned that his developmental progress was stalling, and despite our efforts, he was lagging behind in nearly every area.
His speech therapist once lectured me, implying I wasn’t reading to him enough, but I had been dedicatedly reading to him for an hour every single day since he was born. At that time, I noticed he was becoming increasingly sensitive to light and irritated by clothing tags. This combination, along with my refusal to give in to his demands, led to monumental meltdowns in public places. Our parenting skills were repeatedly questioned as we struggled with a child who, despite our love and hard work, seemed to be a reflection of our failures.
Eventually, we learned that our son had autism, along with several other medical issues. This diagnosis transformed our lives, but it didn’t change how we were perceived by others. We drained our savings for therapy and medical treatments while borrowing money from family. Our financial struggles were evident, and we were far from the model of success we had envisioned.
While our peers enjoyed carefree weekends and vacations, we took turns staying awake in our son’s room, trying to catch some much-needed sleep. Our relationship strained under the weight of exhaustion, and our love, once apparent, seemed to be overshadowed by frequent arguments.
Before autism, we attended every family gathering and celebrated every birthday. Afterward, we found ourselves missing weddings and even funerals, unable to find care for our son or manage the complexities of travel with his specific dietary needs. Our commitment to family dwindled, and our relationships suffered as a result.
While neighbors tended to their gardens, we simply aimed to mow our lawn before it reached a foot high. Our pride in homeownership faded, especially after receiving a letter from the homeowners’ association about our lack of landscaping upkeep.
As friends trained for marathons and maintained healthy diets, I often found myself raiding the pantry for quick snacks, too exhausted to prepare meals after running errands or managing appointments for my son. I had to give up my career aspirations; my son’s undiagnosed health issues made childcare impossible, and his needs were too great for anyone outside our home to manage.
Most days felt like trudging through quicksand. I often lamented to my dad in a parking lot, “I feel like I have nothing to show for all my hard work.”
Over time, I began to reassess my definitions of success and failure. I had never been a “tiger mom,” yet I was judging myself on how well my child was developing and behaving. I let societal expectations dictate my worth as a mother, forgetting that the journey of parenting a child with special needs is unique.
Success as a parent is not about flawless behavior or meeting milestones. It’s about the love we show in our daily interactions. It’s the countless times we engage our son in his interests, the late nights spent comforting him during bouts of anxiety, and the thoughtful choices we make to ensure his comfort. It’s the meals we carefully craft for his dietary needs and the financial sacrifices we make for his therapies.
The evidence of our parenting success may not be visible in test scores or trophies. It might not even be recognized by those around us. Yet, it’s there in our patience, our determination, and our unwavering love. As the poet Daniel Ladinsky beautifully stated, “Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.”
To all the weary parents, you are not failing. Your profound love will shine through again tomorrow as you rise to greet the day and tackle the challenges ahead. Your success lies in the everyday sacrifices you make, the love you pour into your child, and the quiet resilience you embody.
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In summary, the journey of parenting a child with special needs is filled with challenges that often go unrecognized. However, the love and dedication we show each day are what truly define our success as parents.
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