When my friend from down the street invited me to a ladies’ night dinner with other women in our community, I found myself going through a checklist. I checked my calendar for conflicts, browsed the restaurant’s menu online (and let’s be real, I was also eyeing the cocktail options). I messaged the group to see what they were planning to wear and changed my outfit choice multiple times. I even debated whether to bring my oversized handbag or just a small clutch, and if I’d need a jacket for the evening.
But you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t ask my husband for permission to attend.
Sure, I mentioned it to him out of courtesy. “Hey, love, I’m heading out for dinner with the girls on Wednesday. Will you be home, or should I find a babysitter?” That’s simply being considerate. However, there’s a significant difference between keeping your spouse informed and actually seeking their approval.
One of the perks of adulthood is that we’re no longer under anyone’s authority. I may have wished for a pony as a child, but as an adult, I could hypothetically buy one and keep it in my living room if I wanted to. And honestly, no one could stop me (well, maybe the authorities, but you get the picture).
Let’s be clear, I would never actually buy a pony on a whim. The point I’m making is that I didn’t transition from living with my parents to living with someone else who would dictate my actions. My husband is my partner, not my parent.
Children ask for permission because their parents are responsible for their decisions. Kids often lack the judgment to make sound choices; left unchecked, they’d stay up late and have ice cream for breakfast every day. As parents, we guide them and sometimes say no for their own good, teaching them to weigh consequences.
Asking your spouse for permission suggests you can’t make sound decisions independently, and I vehemently disagree with that notion. There’s nothing wrong with discussing plans with one another first (in fact, it’s essential to avoid double-booking or overlooking important commitments). For example, if my husband wants to enroll our son in soccer, he’ll consult me because it impacts my schedule too. Or if he’s eyeing a new laptop, I might remind him about our upcoming car tire replacement. But ultimately, I trust him to make reasonable choices that benefit our family.
This is precisely why our wedding vows omitted the part about “obeying.” Love? Absolutely. Honor? Definitely. Obey? No thanks. I expect my dog to obey, not my husband. I refuse to control him, nor would I want to be with someone who tries to regulate my actions. Trust is foundational in a healthy relationship, and if one partner feels the need to control the other, then there are deeper issues that need addressing beyond your weekend plans.
I have no interest in playing the role of my husband’s mother. I have enough kids asking for permission throughout the day. When it comes to my choices, it’s reassuring to know I’m with someone who doesn’t feel the need—or the authority—to “let” me do anything.
If you found this perspective refreshing, check out our other blog post for more insights on relationships here.
In summary, while keeping your partner informed is respectful, seeking permission is unnecessary in a healthy partnership. Trust and mutual respect should guide your relationship, allowing both individuals to make independent choices while supporting each other.
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