Updated: November 22, 2023
Originally Published: November 22, 2023
I recently lost my cool with my partner. It was a Sunday afternoon after a chaotic week filled with stress, sleepless nights, and illness. I had been trying to focus on work, and my husband was taking our kids to Grandma’s for a few hours to give me some much-needed peace.
But here’s how “going to Grandma’s” unfolded: Our 4-year-old dashed out into the chilly air without a jacket, while my husband trailed behind—forgetting the list of spelling words our 9-year-old needed to study. I had reminded him about that list three times! To top it off, the dishes I had asked him to clean earlier were stacked high in the sink, and I was feeling hangry after spending the last hour fetching snacks for everyone else except myself.
I rushed to the door, poked my head out, and shouted, “Get back here right now!” I then went on to list everything he had done wrong, shoving the jacket and spelling list into his hands while gesturing wildly at the overflowing sink.
My husband, who can be incredibly understanding at times, looked me straight in the eye and said, “Hey, it’s been a tough week for me too. I’m sorry. Just take a breath and get your work done. We’ll be back soon.”
Honestly, he was right.
It doesn’t always end this way, and there are times when he snaps at me too. The truth is, no matter how overwhelmed we feel or how frustrated our lives become, there’s no excuse to take our bad days out on each other. I know I do it more often than I should, and he does too. We’re generally patient with others, and although our kids can push our buttons, we generally refrain from unleashing our frustrations on them.
However, when it comes to each other, those basic rules of conduct often seem to vanish. If I’m having a terrible day, unrelated to him, and I see his socks on the floor instead of in the hamper, I’m likely to explode, even if he’s been nothing but supportive. Similarly, if he’s had a rough day at work and I’m distracted by my phone while he tries to talk, he might go off about how I never listen—not just on that day, but always.
Both of our grievances may have some truth to them, but for whatever reason, we can both blow things out of proportion. I wonder if this is a sign of love or trust. It’s similar to how our kids behave; they can be perfectly composed at school or around friends, only to release their pent-up angst at home, feeling safe with someone who loves them unconditionally.
I believe this dynamic is part of what makes our relationship strong, but it doesn’t mean it’s always healthy. I understand that I need to address my husband when it’s necessary. It’s normal to lose it over his forgetfulness or when he leaves his belongings scattered about. But expecting perfection from our partners is unreasonable. After 15 years of marriage, I’ve come to realize that the phrase “You get what you get and you don’t get upset” applies to marriage too. The only way to make a relationship endure is to accept your partner for who they are. If you can’t do that, your marriage may not be destined to last.
So regardless of how much your partner drives you up the wall, and despite the stress life throws at you, it’s essential to breathe deeply and resist the urge to scream. Lashing out, even with apologies afterward, can hurt more than you might realize. All those little outbursts can accumulate over time.
I understand the struggle. I see a difficult week ahead, and I know I might end up snapping at my husband for trivial things. But I’m going to do my best to hold my tongue, stock up on snacks before he gets to them, and perhaps retreat to the bathroom with my treats instead of losing my temper.
At least, I’ll give it a shot.
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Summary
It’s easy to take our frustrations out on those we love, especially during stressful times. Acknowledging our challenges and striving to communicate kindly with our partners can strengthen our relationships. Balancing our emotions and expectations of one another is key to a lasting partnership.
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