Putting these thoughts into words is no easy feat, especially when the act feels so definitive. Accepting that I have been living with grief for over three years now makes me want to step away from the screen, binge-watch my favorite shows, and pour myself a generous glass of wine.
Her name was Lily. She was my mom, and she was the center of my universe. I lost her in July.
Reflecting on it now, I realize I have been experiencing anticipatory grief since the day my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. From that moment on, I have been processing emotions, crying, reminiscing, and mourning her decline, all while navigating my own journey of motherhood—one that began just days after I announced my twin pregnancy.
While my body brought two beautiful girls into the world, my mother lost her reproductive system—the very one that had given me life. The profundity of this connection is something I hold close to my heart. As I traversed the stages of grief, I also had to be present during the most demanding phases of motherhood. Juggling breastfeeding for two, sleep training, and managing temper tantrums has been no small feat.
My daughters, now preschoolers, are incredibly intuitive and can sense when something is off. So, the question arises: how does one continue to care for their children while grappling with grief? This struggle has been one of the most challenging yet transformative aspects of my journey. Here are three crucial insights I’ve gained along the way:
1. Set the Emotional Atmosphere
As parents, especially mothers, we play a pivotal role in shaping the emotional climate of our homes. This doesn’t mean striving for perfection but rather embracing authenticity. Naming my feelings and being open about my sadness has allowed me to process the overwhelming emotions associated with my mom’s illness and eventual passing.
My girls often ask, “Are you happy or sad?” I don’t shy away from sharing my feelings. When they try to comfort me with hugs and kisses, I make sure to acknowledge, “That makes me feel better.” However, it’s important to recognize that children also pick up on shifts in mood. This is often when they need my attention the most, even if I’m running on empty.
I’ve learned to lean on my support network for help with school pickups and playdates, ensuring I don’t stretch myself too thin. When I’m engulfed in grief, I remind myself that it’s okay to embrace “good enough” parenting. For me, this means allowing extra screen time, letting my kids explore the park while I rest on a bench, and not stressing over a perfect meal at the end of the day. By taking care of my emotional well-being, I can be more present for my daughters as they navigate their own emotional landscapes.
2. Her Legacy Endures
I find solace in my mom’s wisdom, which I’ve preserved through late-night texts, old emails, and cherished family mantras. I keep a notebook filled with her reminders, which grounds me in the knowledge that her impact on my children remains strong. Phrases like “love is a verb” and “feelings are facts” will resonate with us forever.
I even created a digital storybook titled “The Adventures of GranLily,” capturing her interactions with my twins from the very beginning. It serves as a comforting resource for them whenever they miss her, and for me when I need a reminder of her presence.
Time is a tricky concept, and I’ve come to accept that no matter how much time I had with my mom, I would always feel a sense of loss. Yet, I also cherish the quality moments we shared.
3. Grief Comes in Waves
My mom has been gone for a few months now, but she is still a frequent topic of conversation with my three-year-olds. Their expressions range from “Mommy, if you want to see Grandma, do you have to die too?” to the poignant “I miss her,” and even the sweet “Mommy, Grandma lives in our hearts now.”
I once consulted a wonderful grief counselor who explained that children grieve in “puddles.” One moment they may be expressing sadness, and the next they are happily engaged in a new activity. When I broke the news of my mom’s passing, I anticipated a tidal wave of grief, yet their response was surprisingly calm—they listened, hugged me, and then quickly shifted back to their day.
I find myself grieving in similar bursts, swinging from laughter to sorrow within moments. As time passes, I’m learning to accept that the depth of my grief reflects the depth of my love.
Ultimately, I’ve come to understand that we never truly “get over” grief. Instead, we develop strategies to manage it. The challenges of motherhood mirror this sentiment; we don’t escape feelings of exhaustion or anxiety but learn ways to cope and adjust.
Navigating motherhood amidst grief involves surrendering to the messy, beautiful reality of life. The more I model healthy emotional processing and share my mother’s legacy with my children, the better equipped we will be to navigate the emotional puddles together.
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Summary
Navigating grief while being a mother is challenging, especially after losing a loved one. It’s crucial to set the emotional tone in the household, honor the legacy of those we’ve lost, and understand that grief comes in waves for both parents and children. By embracing authenticity and modeling healthy emotional processing, we can better support ourselves and our children through the complexities of grief.
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