I Don’t Need to Speak Like a Lady, Thank You Very Much

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I firmly believe that a well-placed expletive has its rightful place in our language. As a woman, I assert my right to use words like “fiddle-faddle” just as freely as any man. My kids are well-acquainted with colorful language, and I admit, a good chunk of that has come from my mouth rather than their father’s. Since they’re aware of these words, I’ve made it clear that context matters. For example, exclaiming “Holy guacamole!” after dropping a fork on my foot at home is fine, but doing so in front of Grandma? Not so much.

One lesson I refuse to impart to my kids is that boys can curse while girls should “act like ladies.” Absolutely not. That notion is nothing but sexist nonsense. Women have superior communication skills, and we won’t be silenced just because some folks seem to think we reside in a bygone era. I’m certain that even those Victorian women, who seemed so demure while knitting, were muttering some creative insults under their breath.

Women have fought tirelessly for equal rights, and having the freedom to say “dingleberry” without feeling ashamed is part of that struggle. Here are just a few reasons why I won’t be conforming to “ladylike” speech anytime soon:

1. Swearing is fun.
   Words like “sugar pants,” “clusterfluff,” and “turd burglar” are downright hilarious. Go ahead, try saying “Sweet muppity Christ” and see if you don’t crack a smile.
2. I trust those who swear.
   Fellow swearing moms, you’re my tribe. I know where I stand with you, and I appreciate your honesty delivered in vibrant, colorful language that I can remember and maybe even use later.
3. It adds emphasis.
   I’m eternally grateful that the world includes gems like Samuel L. Jackson reading “Go the F*** to Sleep.” Honestly, kids, just GO THE F*** TO SLEEP.
4. Pain encourages expletives.
   When you accidentally shut your finger in the car door, sometimes only “son of a biscuit!” will adequately express your feelings about the situation.
5. There’s evidence.
   Studies suggest that those who swear often possess a larger vocabulary and are more linguistically sophisticated than those who don’t. You betcha.
6. You don’t control me.
   At the end of the day, being a lady doesn’t mean we have to censor our delightful expressions like “crapweasel” and “thunder toad.”

I can still be a responsible adult when necessary. I promise not to unleash my full vocabulary in public spaces. I won’t bring “poop nugget” or “monkey balls” to PTA meetings or church. But if I stub my toe? Well, all bets are off.

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In summary, I won’t be conforming to outdated notions of how women should speak. Language is a powerful tool, and I choose to wield it however I see fit. So, here’s to swearing and the freedom to express ourselves fully!