I certainly didn’t plan to go commando that day. As I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, I attempted to create as much distance as possible between myself and the woman seated next to me at the conference table. I offered her a weak smile, fervently hoping she couldn’t detect any unpleasant odors.
Clearly, I also didn’t intend to have an accident.
In a moment of desperation, I dropped my pen to the ground so I could bend over and discreetly check for any signs of trouble. Thankfully, I didn’t notice any glaring issues, but I still wasn’t entirely convinced.
Time felt like it was dragging on.
Usually, I’d have time to pop into my office for a quick restroom break, but not that day. Oh no, that day I found myself in a room full of colleagues working on our bioterrorism strategy — just moments after I had unintentionally created my own biohazard situation.
Fresh off a surgical procedure, I was still recovering from the aftermath of childbirth. Yes, I had surgery on my rear end. It’s called a lateral internal sphincterotomy, performed when anal fissures — the product of challenging deliveries in my case — refuse to heal. And you thought pregnancy hemorrhoids were the worst!
According to my colorectal surgeon, there are two sphincters in our behinds, and you only need one. To facilitate healing, the surgeon cuts the internal sphincter. (Don’t worry, I was under anesthesia.) This procedure aims to prevent spasms and temporarily weaken the muscle, allowing the area to mend. It sounds terrifying (and it was), but after two years of excruciating discomfort, I was ready for anything.
The surgery went well, and I thought my recovery was on track. But on that particular day, I fully understood the importance of having two sphincters, and I could have really used the backup.
After dropping off my kids, I headed to work, where I had a ritual of using the ladies’ room first thing. But today, my body had a different plan. Instead of going to my usual office, I opted for a location that was ten minutes further away.
About five minutes from my destination, I felt my stomach rumble ominously. By three minutes out, I realized this was not just a false alarm. Gripping the steering wheel, I clenched tightly, determined not to let myself down.
Unfortunately, I was one anal muscle short, thanks to my surgery. As the reality of my impending disaster hit me, I tightened my body, leaned forward, and prayed for a miracle. Sweat dripped down my face as I rounded the corner and practically careened into the parking lot. I’m not even sure I parked correctly.
With my purse in hand, I hurried toward the entrance, desperately trying to hold back the floodgates. It was painful.
Fortunately, the restrooms were conveniently located right inside the main lobby. I arrived early — thank goodness — which meant no one from my meeting witnessed my awkward hobble toward the ladies’ room.
What transpired next was anything but dignified.
As my body rejoiced at the proximity of the restroom, it relaxed too much. I barely made it inside the door before realizing I wouldn’t escape unscathed. Panic flooded me as I dropped my belongings, stumbling toward the stall. Door wide open, I turned, yanked down my pants, and nearly wept in relief.
You can only imagine the scene. Thankfully, most of the damage was limited to my underwear (and my pride). Alas, I was wearing one of my favorite pairs, but in this crisis, sentimentality had to take a backseat. Off they went! I quickly wrapped them in paper towels and discarded them in the trash.
In a flurry, I wet some paper towels, freshened up, and returned to my stall just in time to avoid an unsuspecting stranger. Once I felt as presentable as I could muster, I took a final look in the mirror and washed my hands for good measure.
Eventually, my backside healed, but my ego? Well, that’s still a work in progress.
For more relatable tales, check out our post on navigating the ups and downs of parenting. And if you’re considering at-home insemination, this kit from Make a Mom is a trusted option. Additionally, the ASRM website offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
This humorous tale recounts a chaotic day in the life of a mother recovering from surgery, who finds herself facing an unexpected and embarrassing situation during a work conference. Through a mix of determination, panic, and a bit of luck, she navigates the mishap with resilience, reminding us all that parenting comes with its fair share of challenges.
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