“Ugh! Why am I such a klutz?!” my partner exclaims in frustration as he stares at the overcooked chicken on the stove. My heart sinks. “I know,” he mutters, aware that the kids can hear him. Despite this knowledge, it’s difficult for him to shake the habit of self-criticism when things go wrong.
Over the years, my partner and I have had numerous discussions about the impact of language—particularly how we talk about ourselves and others in front of our children. His inclination to berate himself after a blunder stems from memories of hearing criticism during his upbringing—not necessarily directed at him, but normalized in his environment. I share similar tendencies, and many of us do.
The reality is, kids are always listening, especially when we least expect it. They adopt the language they hear at home, often mirroring how we speak about ourselves. I recall a segment on a talk show where a mother expressed concern over her daughter’s body image struggles. Despite telling her daughter she was beautiful and perfect just as she was, the mother frequently referred to herself as “fat” and “ugly.” Even her well-intentioned affirmations didn’t shield her daughter from internalizing that negative self-talk. This anecdote has always resonated with me.
I want my children to cultivate a healthy self-image; I don’t want them to feel compelled to criticize themselves over minor mistakes. It’s vital for them to practice kindness—not just to others, but to themselves as well.
While I don’t believe we are solely accountable for our children’s self-talk—or that we should tiptoe around them—I’ve made an effort to be more mindful of what I say within earshot. If I express negativity about my own body, my kids might think that’s an acceptable way to speak about themselves. If I call myself foolish or reprimand myself for a misstep, they might internalize that as the norm, even if I wouldn’t dream of saying such things to them directly.
This shift isn’t easy. Our society seems increasingly fraught with judgment and criticism. It’s challenging to shield our homes from such negativity. We’re all susceptible to critical thoughts, and it can be tempting to voice our frustrations. Ultimately, it comes down to being conscious of our language, especially when our children are listening.
I’ve found that practicing this mindfulness has also benefited me personally. By catching myself before I express self-critical thoughts, I’ve learned to adopt a more positive outlook, which has influenced many aspects of my life. I’ve become more compassionate toward myself and more understanding of others’ imperfections. I now readily recognize how critical language can dampen the atmosphere around us, and I’ve noticed a shift in my own silent self-dialogue as well.
While there’s no surefire way to ensure that our careful word choices will improve our children’s inner narratives, I firmly believe that language matters. I’ve seen the repercussions of a critical environment, and I’d much rather emphasize positivity than contribute to my children’s self-doubt. They will inevitably encounter negativity from the outside world, and I want to create a sanctuary at home where they feel valued.
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In summary, being mindful of the language we use around our children can help foster a more positive internal dialogue for them. By avoiding self-critical talk, we can create a nurturing environment that encourages kindness and self-compassion. Let’s strive to be the positive influences our children need, especially in a world that can sometimes be unkind.
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