Menu: Parenting
Am I Missing the Motherhood Instinct?
by Sarah Thompson
Updated: March 10, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 20, 2016
From a young age, I envisioned myself as a mother. While I may not have been the most nurturing person (my babysitting skills were less than stellar), I assumed that once I had kids of my own, I would naturally develop that maternal instinct. I pictured myself as one of those mothers who shower their babies with affection, delighting in every adorable moment. I thought I would effortlessly start speaking in baby talk and inventing cute nicknames, never raising my voice.
This is the archetype of motherhood that many of us grow up seeing. It’s a narrative so deeply rooted in our culture that it can leave us feeling inadequate if we don’t respond to newborns with overwhelming joy. When I observe other mothers, I see them cooing and cuddling their little ones, thriving in that intimate bond. They seem to effortlessly embody the role of a nurturing parent. Meanwhile, I find myself questioning if something is wrong with me. Am I lacking the so-called “motherhood instinct”?
I am not fond of baby talk, and I tend to shy away from excessive displays of affection. After a few moments of cuddling, I often need my own space. I find myself losing patience and raising my voice more than I’d like. I didn’t practice co-sleeping and opted for formula after a brief attempt at breastfeeding.
As I observe those other mothers who seem so at ease with baby snuggles and the lack of personal space, I can’t help but wish for a bit of their tranquility. I wonder why I don’t feel the same rush of emotions when I see a baby. Instead of my ovaries going into overdrive, they seem to remain firmly in check.
Many hours of my day are spent pondering if I measure up as a mother. I compare myself to fellow moms, often wishing I could embody the traits they display. This leads me to question if there’s something inherently lacking in my own maternal approach.
However, it’s crucial for us to acknowledge—something I remind myself repeatedly—that there is no single “right” way to be a good mother. There is no universal motherhood instinct. Each mother’s journey is unique, and being maternal in the traditional sense isn’t a prerequisite for effective parenting.
In the past, whenever I grappled with the idea of being the best mother possible, it was often through the lens of societal expectations and comparisons to other women, rather than focusing on my own relationship with my children. I used to believe I was missing that special instinct, convinced that I was somehow flawed in my parenting style. I was too much of one thing and not enough of another. But all this self-doubt was rooted in how others mothered, not in how I engage with my own kids. They don’t have those other women as their moms; they have me.
While I may not exhibit the same patience or affection as others, what truly matters is that I love my children fiercely. I may not always be the cuddly type, but I’m their greatest advocate and protector. My kids are content, and a significant reason for their happiness is that I parent them in a way that feels authentic to me.
Certainly, there are areas where I can improve, and I often fall short of my high expectations. Yet, I also recognize that I have my own strengths in this motherhood gig—at least as I see it. So yes, I might not possess that elusive motherhood instinct, and that’s perfectly fine because it doesn’t exist.
Unless, of course, we’re talking about the other kind of instinct—like the knack for picking out the perfect mom jeans. In that case, I can confidently say I don’t have those either.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, Sarah Thompson explores her feelings of inadequacy as a mother, questioning the existence of an innate “motherhood instinct.” She highlights the importance of recognizing that every mother’s journey is different and that loving one’s children fiercely is what truly counts, rather than conforming to societal expectations.
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