On a stunning September morning 17 years ago, I found myself at the back of a cathedral, adorned in an ivory gown, anxiously gazing down the aisle. As my father offered me his arm and the familiar wedding hymn began to play, I made my way down the white aisle runner, hoping to avoid any missteps in front of our guests. The air was fragrant with fresh roses and sunflowers as I approached the altar, locking eyes with my soon-to-be husband for the first time that day. In that moment, I felt a wave of calm wash over me, and I knew we were ready to take on the world together. As he lifted my veil, his eyes welling with tears, he whispered, “You’re beautiful.” We stood surrounded by the smiles of our loved ones, pledging to love, honor, and cherish one another in our marriage.
That moment is just one of countless memories from when we were “The Old Us,” the version of ourselves before mortgages, college funds, and raising two kids became our reality. We were once two carefree individuals, a far cry from the parents we are today — me with the physical reminders of childbirth and him sporting a receding hairline. Life has become so hectic that dinner conversations now revolve around soccer schedules and air conditioning repairs, leaving little room for the spontaneity we once cherished.
The Old Us thrived on adventure, romance, and passion. The New Us? We’re more about routine, affection, and often too exhausted for anything other than a few episodes of House Hunters on HGTV.
The gradual transformation from The Old Us to the New Us happened almost unnoticed. Initially, it was new jobs in a different town that kept us busy and fulfilled. Our first home was a whirlwind of renovations and landscaping projects that we tackled together on weekends. Those early years were filled with chaos, yet we were in it together.
Then came the kids. The noise, the sleepless nights, and the constant demands transformed our lives into a chaotic routine of diaper changes and frantic trips to the store for essentials. Our children consumed the majority of our energy, and at the end of those long days, we’d collapse on the couch, pondering what The Old Us would think of our new reality. Exhausted, yet still together.
Over the years, glimpses of The Old Us have occasionally surfaced during anniversaries and holidays. Moments of romance, late-night chats between tending to nightmares, and small acts of kindness reminded us of the vows we made so many years ago. Often, we felt like two ships passing in the night, longing to drop anchor and share a moment of quiet together. As our children grow older, it has become easier to reconnect, but rediscovering our romantic side is still a challenge. With the years of raising kids rapidly approaching an end, we’re beginning to see the chance to revive The Old Us.
But can we truly return to who we were when the kids head off to college? When we find ourselves driving home to an empty nest after dropping our last child off at the dorm, will we have anything to talk about? Recently, my partner and I acknowledged that if we want to sustain our marriage and reignite The Old Us, we must start now, while our children are still at home. We’ve committed to shifting our focus back to one another and rejuvenating The Old Us. Here’s how we’re doing it:
- Sneaking away for a cocktail hour on a random Tuesday, leaving the teens behind. They likely won’t even notice we’re gone.
- Meeting for lunch during school hours with a rule to avoid kid-related topics. Challenging, but worthwhile.
- Exploring new interests that ignite thoughtful conversations. (Thanks, Hamilton: An American Musical.)
- Recognizing that dinner can wait while we enjoy a glass of wine on the patio, discussing our workdays.
- Embracing intimacy and finding creative ways for our bodies to reconnect.
- Having genuine conversations about our retirement and crafting a plan to achieve that beach house together—making “someday” a reality.
- Reaching for each other’s hands, feeling the deep bond that has endured through sleepless nights and the challenges of parenthood.
- Acknowledging that we’re both a bit scared and excited to revisit The Old Us.
- Realizing that while we’ve aged, we remain together, scars and all.
On the day we exchanged vows, our love was fresh and unblemished by time and life’s challenges. While I often miss the couple we once were, I also pity that version of us. They didn’t understand that the best was yet to come. They couldn’t fathom the intimacy that blossoms from shared worries about children, the comfort of holding each other during tough times, or the sweetness of reconciling after heated arguments. The Old Us had no idea that the most beautiful moments would come when my husband looks at me, hair in a messy bun and clad in yoga pants, amidst the chaos of kids and a barking dog, and sincerely says, “You’re beautiful.”
We’ve both aged, yet we are still together, and I can’t wait to rekindle The Old Us. It’s been far too long.
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Summary
Rediscovering the romance and connection in a long-term relationship can be challenging, especially after years of parenting. The journey from “The Old Us” to “The New Us” is often gradual, filled with responsibilities that can overshadow intimacy. However, it’s essential to prioritize each other, explore new interests, and rekindle the passion that once defined your relationship. As couples navigate the transition to an empty nest, taking steps to reconnect now can lead to a more fulfilling future.
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