As mothers, guilt seems to be ingrained in our very nature. We often feel remorse over everything from raising our voices to our little ones to declining their request to read the same book for the fifteenth time in one day! While a small amount of guilt can encourage us to strive for better, there’s also that relentless guilt that arises from no clear cause, gnawing at us and prompting self-blame for circumstances beyond our control. This type of guilt is all too familiar for mothers of premature babies.
The self-reproach we experience during our NICU journey extends far beyond the fact that our little ones arrived early. We find ourselves shouldering responsibility for countless aspects of their care. This cycle of guilt can be particularly overwhelming, especially when we have to leave the hospital without our newborns. Once your baby is finally home, the battle to process your emotions and come to terms with the experience can feel insurmountable. One of the hardest truths to grasp is that none of this was your fault.
To help other mothers navigating the challenges of having a preemie, I’d like to share some of the things I found myself blaming myself for. I hope this resonates and reminds you that you are not alone. Every preemie mom shares these feelings, and recognizing that many of these events were out of your control can be the first step towards healing.
1. I’m sorry you had to arrive early, and I couldn’t protect you.
The guilt surrounding your baby’s premature birth is often the first burden you carry. Regardless of the reasons for their early arrival, you may feel a sense of failure, as if there was something you could have done differently. The truth is, it was not your fault. Accepting that this was beyond your control is crucial in quieting the self-doubt.
2. I’m sorry I couldn’t deliver you naturally.
While not all premature births result in C-sections, many do. For me, this was a difficult reality to face. Having had a natural birth with my first child, I mourned the loss of that experience with my premature twins. I felt as if I was deprived of those precious first moments, including skin-to-skin contact and nursing. It’s normal to grieve the experiences you missed out on, but it’s important to understand that it’s okay to feel this way.
3. I’m sorry I had to leave you behind.
Leaving your baby in the NICU is one of the hardest things a mother can do. Each departure may leave you feeling like a failure for not being by their side. It’s important to recognize that it’s completely normal to build emotional walls to cope with such a painful situation. Accepting your coping mechanisms can help alleviate some of that guilt.
4. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there all the time.
For mothers with other children, balancing time can be a significant challenge. It’s common to feel guilty about not spending every moment at your baby’s bedside, but remember that your other responsibilities are important too. The time you do spend with your baby is valuable, and you’re doing your best.
5. I’m sorry I had to rely on others for care.
It’s easy to feel guilty when other caregivers tend to your baby. Watching someone else comfort your little one can stir feelings of jealousy and protectiveness. Understand that the specialized care they are receiving is necessary, and this situation was beyond your control.
6. I’m sorry I couldn’t shield you from pain.
Witnessing your child undergo medical procedures is heart-wrenching. The instinct to protect your baby is strong, and feeling guilty for not being able to shield them from pain is a natural response. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that these interventions are meant to help, not harm.
7. I’m sorry I felt numb.
Many mothers experience emotional numbness during this stressful time, which can feel like a loss. While you might feel disconnected from your emotions, this is a coping mechanism and not a reflection of your love for your baby. Accepting that this was a survival tactic can aid in your emotional recovery.
These are just a few examples of the self-blame I faced, and I know there are many more that could be added to this list. Working through these feelings is a gradual process. As you adjust to life at home, you will begin to see things more clearly and realize that none of it was your fault. You are an incredible mother for navigating such a challenging time.
For me, writing a letter to my children expressing my feelings of guilt was a therapeutic step in moving forward. It allowed me to acknowledge my emotions and put them away, making space for healing. Whatever method you choose to process your guilt, keep reminding yourself: You are not to blame.
September is Neonatal Intensive Care Awareness Month, a time to honor NICU patients, their families, and the healthcare professionals who support them. For more information, you can visit this resource. If you’re looking for reliable options for at-home insemination syringe kits, check out this reputable retailer. Additionally, for more insights on pregnancy and fertility, consider this excellent podcast resource.
In summary, navigating the journey as the mother of a preterm baby brings a unique set of challenges and emotions, especially guilt and self-blame. It’s essential to understand that these feelings are common and rooted in the desire to protect and nurture your child. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can begin to heal and embrace the incredible strength that comes with motherhood.
Leave a Reply