Parenting
Updated: Sep. 6, 2023
Originally Published: Sep. 6, 2023
You remember the days when intimacy was a spontaneous and frequent part of your life. As a teenager, it was a thrilling obsession. In the early years of your marriage, it was a nightly ritual, and you couldn’t fathom how anyone could do otherwise. You were once the person who enjoyed it multiple times a night and explored all sorts of creative avenues. But now? Well, you find it challenging to muster the energy for intimacy even once a month. You’ve become that person you once judged—someone who only engages in sex every couple of weeks. And guess what? That’s completely okay.
Let’s clear the air: You do not owe anyone your body. Forget about the notions of “marital rights” or “obligations.” You are under no compulsion to engage in sex with anyone you don’t wish to. It doesn’t matter if you once enjoyed it daily or experimented with whips and chains. When I tied the knot, my teenage libido was still alive and well. But now? Not so much. That doesn’t mean I owe my partner the same level of intimacy we shared back then.
The prevailing attitudes suggest that women owe men sex in various situations—whether he treats you to dinner, during dating, or particularly after marriage. The fear of your partner seeking pleasure elsewhere if you don’t comply can be overwhelming. In a healthy relationship, however, no partner should feel obligated to share their body against their will.
Motherhood is an exhausting journey. Your little ones cling to you, seeking your attention and affection at every turn. They want to be held, cuddled, and close to you, leaving you physically drained. By the time they finally settle down, your body may be begging for a reprieve from constant touch. It’s understandable if you view sex as just another demand on your physical self.
Postpartum hormones also play a significant role in your libido. After giving birth, your body may crave connection with your newborn rather than your partner. If you’re breastfeeding, the hormone prolactin can further diminish your desire, making intimacy feel less appealing. Any sexual encounters might start to feel like a bonus rather than a necessity.
Moreover, having children in the house makes intimacy complicated. With a baby likely sleeping nearby or older kids running around, the ever-present possibility of interruption can quickly extinguish the mood. Even with locks on the door, the sound of a child urgently calling for “Mommy!” can break any romantic atmosphere.
It’s also natural to feel different in your own skin after childbirth. Many women experience changes in their bodies, which can lead to insecurities. I personally went from a youthful figure to dealing with stretch marks and weight gain, making the idea of being naked in front of someone daunting. Despite reassurances from my partner about my attractiveness, self-doubt can linger.
Additionally, postpartum depression affects a significant number of women—between 11 to 20%, according to the CDC. Lack of interest in sex is a common symptom of depression, and medications for it can further impact libido and sexual pleasure. The challenges of intimacy can feel overwhelming, especially if your body isn’t cooperating.
Ultimately, your body belongs to you. It’s completely normal if you’re not in the mood tonight, tomorrow, or for an extended period. Sex can be enjoyable, and you may find pleasure in it once you begin, but it’s perfectly acceptable to decline. As a woman and a mother, you have the right to say no. It’s okay.
For more insights on similar experiences, check out one of our other blog posts here. If you’re considering home insemination, you can find quality kits at Make a Mom, a reputable online retailer. And for more information on pregnancy and related topics, Healthline is an excellent resource.
In summary, it’s vital to recognize that your feelings and needs are valid. You don’t need to conform to anyone else’s expectations regarding intimacy. Embrace your autonomy as a woman and a mother, and remember that it’s perfectly fine not to be in the mood.
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