Prioritizing the Kids: Essential Dos and Don’ts for Effective Co-Parenting

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By: Jessica Turner
Updated: Oct. 1, 2023
Originally Published: Sep. 3, 2016

When my daughter fell ill recently, it was a tough week for us. We visited the pediatrician multiple times to monitor her recovery from a nasty respiratory infection. Amidst the chaos, I received a text from her father asking if he could come by to see how she was doing. “Absolutely,” I replied without hesitation. After all, she’s his child too. Despite any discomfort I might feel during his visits, I recognize the importance of both parents being involved in their child’s life. His partner reached out as well, and I provided her with updates on our daughter’s condition, knowing her concern was genuine and not judgmental.

Co-parenting is fundamentally about both parents collaborating to raise their children. It’s not a competition regarding parenting styles or abilities; rather, it’s about focusing on what’s best for the child. Sadly, many divorced families get caught up in past conflicts, neglecting the emotional needs of their kids. Instead of using children as pawns in adult disputes, co-parenting should always center around their well-being.

Here are some practical dos and don’ts for effective co-parenting:

Do…

1. Foster Open Communication: Establish an open line of communication with your ex, whether through texts, emails, or face-to-face discussions. There are even platforms designed for co-parenting that allow you to share schedules and important updates without direct contact.
2. Set Consistent Rules: Agree upon household rules that will be upheld in both homes. Children thrive on routine, so maintaining consistent meal times, bedtimes, and homework schedules helps provide a sense of security.
3. Encourage Positive Conversations: Make it a household rule for your children to speak respectfully about your ex. Even if it’s tempting to let them vent, it’s crucial to model positivity.
4. Define Boundaries: Work together to establish clear behavioral guidelines. Research indicates that children thrive in environments with consistent parenting approaches.
5. Create an Extended Family Plan: Agree on the involvement of extended family members and what access they will have to your child when they are with either parent.
6. Adapt for the Kids: Understand that co-parenting will require you to make adjustments. The changes you make should be for your child’s benefit, not simply to appease your ex.
7. Stay Grounded: Recognize that kids will test boundaries, especially if they think they can get away with bending the rules. A unified stance on discipline is essential.
8. Embrace the Mundane: Children need time to engage in everyday activities, not just fun outings. Ordinary moments build strong connections.
9. Keep Each Other Updated: Even if it’s difficult, it’s vital to inform your ex about significant changes in your life. Your child should never serve as the primary source of information.
10. Highlight Strengths: Acknowledge the positive traits of your ex in front of your child. This helps them appreciate both parents and fosters a healthier perspective.

Don’t…

1. Use Your Child as a Pawn: Avoid involving your child in adult conflicts. Badmouthing your ex or using your child to gain intel on them only creates confusion and insecurity.
2. Jump to Conclusions: When your child relays potentially negative comments about the other parent, take a moment to breathe and respond calmly. This helps prevent resentment.
3. Be Disproportionately Fun: While it’s tempting to be the “cool” parent, this can create discord. Strive for balance and avoid fostering resentment over unequal parenting styles.
4. Give in to Guilt: Divorce can bring about guilt that leads to overindulgence. Understand that giving in to every whim can hinder emotional development and create unrealistic expectations.
5. Neglect Responsibilities: Don’t allow your child to shirk responsibilities to spite your ex. Maintaining consistent expectations helps them adapt to both households.
6. Accuse Instead of Discuss: If issues arise, focus on discussing them rather than pointing fingers. A cooperative approach centered on your child’s needs leads to healthier outcomes.

Co-parenting can be a challenging journey, but with commitment and understanding, everyone involved—especially the kids—can thrive. If you’re interested in more insights on co-parenting, you may find this post helpful: link to other blog post. For those navigating the journey of parenthood, consider checking out Make A Mom for reliable home insemination kits, or visit UCSF Center for valuable resources on pregnancy and home insemination.

In summary, prioritizing your children’s needs in co-parenting not only helps them adjust better but also fosters a more harmonious environment for everyone involved.