When my daughter was a little one, she had a delightful habit of showering everyone with big, wet kisses—on the lips, cheeks, and even feet. She was a little lovebug, and I cherished those moments. I adored the way her tiny lips would press against mine as she eagerly exclaimed, “Just one more kiss, Mom! Mooooom! Just one more kiss!” She expressed her affection through kisses for everyone—grandparents, friends, her toys, and even unsuspecting shoppers at the grocery store.
As she grew older and entered elementary school, those sweet, sloppy kisses transformed into warm hugs, which felt like a natural progression. At six, she began to understand that kissing her teacher on the lips might not be appropriate. I was perfectly fine with this change, as she still bestowed her pecks on my lips before bedtime and sometimes during the day as well. Her kisses became more refined, and I appreciated the fact that she was learning to express her love in a more age-appropriate manner.
However, recently, I noticed a shift. Our kisses dwindled down to cheek kisses, which I found disappointing. I would often call her over, urging her to give me a “real kiss.” Yet, she’d only peck me on the cheek or the top of my head when saying goodnight.
Initially, I assumed this was just a phase; perhaps she felt shy about kissing her mom now that she was “8-going-on-24.” But then I realized it wasn’t just about me—it was about her comfort levels with physical affection. I had noticed that she was also hesitant to hug friends, even when I encouraged her to greet them with open arms. “It’s great to see you!” she would say but never follow up with a hug, and I would often chime in, “Come on, give Ms. Samantha a hug! That’s not nice!” She would comply, albeit reluctantly.
I had been interpreting her behavior as rudeness. Like when I insist my children say “please” when asking for something, I thought her reluctance was simply a matter of etiquette. But then I had a realization: I am a hugger. I embrace everyone. I even hug strangers I just met in the aisles of the store. It’s part of who I am, shaped by my upbringing. However, that doesn’t mean my daughter should feel the same way.
What if she was simply not comfortable with hugging? I began to think of my best friend’s wedding a few years back—upon seeing an old friend, I rushed to hug her, and she smiled, saying, “Oh right, you’re a hugger!” It struck me then that not everyone shares that same comfort level with physical affection.
With children, it can be challenging to gauge their feelings about personal space. Realizing my daughter might feel similarly, I decided to have an open conversation with her. A couple of nights ago, I invited her to sit on my bed to discuss something important. “Are you comfortable giving hugs and kisses to people?” I asked gently.
Her response surprised me. She looked uncertain and finally spoke, “Sometimes I want to hug people, but other times, especially with new faces or people I haven’t seen in a while, I don’t want to hug. Does that make me mean?” My heart sank. I understood that her uncertainty stemmed from my own pressure for her to greet others with physical affection.
I took a deep breath and explained, “I need you to know that every time I made you hug someone, that was wrong. I apologize for that.” Her eyes widened as I continued, “Your body is yours alone, and so is your personal space. No one gets to dictate who can touch you, except you.”
She interjected, “But what if you hug someone and I don’t want to? Does that mean I’m rude?” I reassured her, “Not at all. Having your own boundaries is important, and everyone should respect those boundaries. If you don’t want to hug, it’s perfectly okay to say no.”
We discussed her feelings, and I made sure she understood that she has the right to control her own body and that it’s okay to not follow my lead. I emphasized that different people have different comfort levels, and it’s perfectly fine for her to express her preferences, even if they differ from mine.
This experience opened my eyes to the reality that while my daughter and I share many traits, we are also unique individuals with different comfort levels. It’s crucial to recognize and respect those differences, even when it comes to something as simple as a hug.
As I greet friends with hugs in the future, I will remember that my daughter is free to express herself in her own way—whether that’s a handshake, a smile, or simply a kind word. It’s a journey we’re both on, and I’m committed to ensuring she knows she has control over her own boundaries.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize and respect our children’s boundaries and comfort levels, ensuring they feel empowered to express their preferences.
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