The Birth Plan I Wish I’d Created

Get Pregnant Fast

Updated: July 2, 2020

Originally Published: Aug. 11, 2016

The other day, while tackling the never-ending task of cleaning, I stumbled upon a relic from my past that I wish had remained buried: my birth plan. As I flipped through the pages filled with my elaborate requests for a serene environment, soft lighting, and all sorts of specifics, I couldn’t help but cringe. Did I really need to write two entire pages detailing my wishes?

This got me thinking about what I would have liked to include in my birth plan instead. So here it goes:

1. Surprise! I’m in labor! Seriously, I’m thrilled but let’s be honest—I’m also a bit panicked. So here’s a typed list of my preferences to make things easier for everyone involved!
2. Let’s talk about bodily functions. I have a confession: I struggle with constipation. So whatever you do, don’t tell me to push like I’m trying to relieve myself. When it’s time for that, it’s a no-brainer for me.
3. If things get messy, and I happen to poop during delivery, please ensure I remain blissfully unaware of it! Oh, and maybe distract my partner too. Let’s keep some dignity intact, shall we?
4. I’m a screamer. For the sake of everyone’s ears, I’ve stocked up on earplugs for the nurses. I’m also open to providing headache meds if necessary!
5. No mirrors, please! Unless I need to check for spinach in my teeth or a lipstick touch-up, I don’t want to see my body in its current state. Childbirth is beautiful, but I’ll keep that vision in my head.
6. Needles in my spine? Not a fan. I do not like them anywhere. However, I’d be thrilled to try some laughing gas instead!
7. Indecision is my middle name. I apologize ahead of time for possibly changing my mind about ice chips versus water or lying down versus squatting. Just roll with it!
8. I want to breastfeed. While I’ve done my homework, I might need a little guidance. Feel free to get creative with cheering me on—pom-poms are welcome!
9. No soothers for my baby, please. I just imagine the struggle of weaning them off one later, and I’d rather avoid that battle.
10. Postpartum essentials! I need a hefty supply of mesh panties—apparently, they’re all the rage in postpartum fashion.
11. And finally, can we schedule a vasectomy for my husband? Let’s get that done shortly after I’m settled with our little one. He can have the laughing gas, too—just saying!

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for hanging in there with me!

Now for the most crucial part: your role. You encounter countless birth plans every year, each unique and filled with hope. Your job is incredibly important. Thank you for being there to support me, my partner, and our family as we welcome our newest member. Your kindness means the world to us.

Here’s a little coffee card for you to share with the rest of the team—today’s caffeine is on me!

For more insights on the birthing process, check out this informative article on intrauterine insemination. Plus, if you’re looking for at-home insemination kits, visit Make a Mom for some great options. And for additional tips on birth plans, don’t miss this related post on Cervical Insemination.

In summary, creating a birth plan is about more than just detailing preferences; it’s about acknowledging the emotional journey ahead and the vital role of your support team. Embrace the chaos, and don’t forget to have a little fun along the way!