Let’s be real: the secret to a fulfilling marriage lies in letting go of that idealized version of what a happy union should be. Wipe that image from your mind—permanently. You might also want to release the fantasy of how your marriage functioned pre-kids, because that era is long gone (just like your pre-baby figure). Marriage was challenging enough before children came along, but throw in parenting, and suddenly, you’re in an entirely different arena.
This new phase doesn’t come with a coach, a referee, or even a user manual. Parenting amplifies the complexities of marriage. The emotional highs and lows are profound and, let’s face it, overwhelming. It’s both beautiful and exhausting. There’s no pause button; finding time to nurture your marriage often feels impossible, especially when the only quiet moments you get are after the kids are asleep. After a full day of parenting, who wants to engage in a deep conversation? Many marital issues end up brushed aside, festering until they explode into bigger problems.
I can relate; at home, things are usually smooth until they’re not. It’s often hard to track when minor annoyances morph into significant conflicts because it happens so quickly and unexpectedly. As parents, we tend to squabble over trivial matters, fueled by sheer exhaustion. It’s like living in a constant state of fatigue. When you hear parents say that sleep deprivation lasts for years, they’re not exaggerating much.
My little one is 4 and still wakes up multiple times a night, mostly to ensure I’m dragging the next day. And I can’t even imagine the state of parents juggling several kids who must be in a perpetual fog. On top of that, your body feels like it’s failed you. Post-kid, things change—your energy dips, and preparing a nutritious meal can feel daunting. Often, the dinner you made ends up on the floor, forcing you to eat leftovers, and hitting the gym feels like a distant dream.
In short, you’re not operating at your best. The truth is, marriage becomes tougher after kids—and that’s okay. Accepting this reality can liberate us from the burden of unrealistic expectations. I’m no marriage guru, but I have a circle of close friends who share similar experiences, which might just count as a degree in navigating these challenges.
Let’s face it: marriage is challenging for everyone. Those who seem to have it all together are likely just doing a better job of hiding their struggles. No one’s relationship is flawless. We all have disagreements, succumb to pride, and sometimes go to bed feeling angry. It’s perfectly fine to acknowledge the difficulty of it all.
I wrote this as a way to release some frustrations and to reassure myself that it’s normal to find things tough. It serves as a reminder to improve as a listener, a communicator, and a partner. It’s easy to get so caught up in parenting that you forget the love that brought you together in the first place. Remember, you’re in this together for the long haul, and you’ve built a life that no one can take away from you. Focus on the positives, let go of the negatives, and stop comparing your marriage to others.
Take a moment to redefine what your marriage looks like now, and embrace it. If you don’t love the current picture, create a new one. Show your kids the kind of partnership you hope they’ll have one day. Inspired by this, I’ve even crafted a mantra for my marriage: “To strive to be better every day, to find joy in the chaos when we struggle, and to prioritize each other after God.”
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In conclusion, marriage isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about embracing the beautiful mess that it is and growing through it together.
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