Updated: August 1, 2023
Originally Published: July 30, 2023
Children experience emotions deeply. They feel things profoundly, and their feelings can be complex, messy, and intense. Anyone who has spent time with a crying infant, an irate toddler, or a moody teenager knows that kids come into this world equipped with a vast emotional landscape.
As both a parent and an educator, I’ve observed that society often conveys lessons about emotions in indirect and unintentional ways. In my own parenting journey, I’ve found myself responding to my daughters’ temper tantrums with phrases like, “Stop it,” or “Don’t be sad.” While my intention is not to teach them to suppress their emotions, those reactions can sometimes send the message that certain feelings are unacceptable. The challenge of parenting little ones with big emotions can lead to unintentional lessons about feeling ashamed of their feelings. Consequently, children might grow up thinking that feeling anger is dangerous, and that experiencing sadness signifies failure.
This ideology can be harmful, as it fosters the belief that emotions must be controlled, leading to the notion that it is preferable not to feel at all. The phrase “happiness is a choice” suggests that we have complete authority over our emotions. If happiness were truly a mere choice, why would anyone ever opt for sadness? This mindset can create a false sense of inadequacy for those who find themselves struggling with unhappiness.
I’ve spent years attempting to suppress what I deemed as “bad” feelings like anger and sadness, and all it did was exacerbate my emotional turmoil. I felt powerless—believing that if I wasn’t filled with joy, it was due to poor choices on my part. Ironically, the more I tried to manage my feelings, the more discontent I became. I was essentially avoiding the natural emotional spectrum.
It was liberating to understand that no feelings are inherently negative. Anger itself isn’t bad; rather, it’s our actions stemming from that anger that can be constructive or destructive. Similarly, sadness isn’t a flaw; it’s our response to it that determines its impact.
In our household, we strive to foster open discussions about emotions and the importance of choices. “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to be hurtful,” has become a frequent mantra in our home. We explore alternatives by asking questions like, “It’s alright to feel frustrated, but how can we express that without throwing a tantrum? What’s a better way?” or “It’s normal to feel sad. I feel it too. How can we navigate sadness while remaining kind?”
We emphasize that it’s perfectly acceptable to feel a range of emotions. While some feelings may be uncomfortable, none are inherently wrong. I take care to respond thoughtfully, even when I struggle to comprehend my daughter’s sadness. I don’t tell her to simply stop being sad, as I don’t believe that sadness is a choice. Instead, I guide her to reflect on the choices that led to her feelings and the options she has for coping.
In a world where children are increasingly facing challenges like depression and anxiety at alarming rates, it’s critical to be intentional about how we address emotional health. Kids are emotional beings, and those emotions will follow them into adulthood, where they can become even more complex. Rather than teaching my children to suppress or demonize their feelings, I aim to help them forge healthy relationships with their emotions. They don’t need to exert control over their feelings, nor should their feelings dominate them.
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To summarize, my goal is to help my children understand that all emotions are valid and that they can experience them without fear. The journey to emotional understanding is crucial for their growth and well-being.
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