If you find yourself visiting my home without prior warning, brace yourself for a potentially overwhelming experience. I’m a parent to a rambunctious three-and-a-half-year-old, a six-month-old baby, and a lively 75-pound black lab.
Just to clarify, I also have a husband named Derek, but he typically doesn’t evoke shock or disgust, so I’ll focus on the more chaotic elements of my household.
Arrival at the Door
When you ring the bell, chances are high that I’ll answer, likely dressed in leggings and an oversized sweatshirt adorned with baby spit-up. My hair will be hastily tied up, and I won’t have a trace of makeup on. I’ll be juggling the baby in one arm while using the other to keep our barking lab at bay, gesturing for you to step inside amidst the cacophony of barking.
As you enter, I’ll face the dilemma of either releasing the dog or dropping the baby. Spoiler alert: I usually opt for letting go of the dog, as I excel at managing this particular parenting challenge.
Meet the Dog
My dog will bound toward you repeatedly, despite my best efforts to command him to calm down. If you’re not fond of dogs, consider this your fair warning to think twice about visiting.
At this point, I’ll find a spot that seems somewhat safe to place the baby while I drag the dog out to the backyard, where he’ll continue barking for the next twenty minutes. After getting the dog outside, I’ll turn back to you, apologize for his behavior, and invite you to sit in the living room. Just a heads-up: please be cautious not to sit on the baby I placed on the loveseat.
Settling In
As I settle down, I’ll likely pick up the baby, who will promptly spit up due to his acid reflux. I’ll attempt to wipe the spit-up off with my sweatshirt sleeve before finally taking a seat. I’ll apologize for the chaotic state of my home, which you will probably confirm is indeed a complete mess, but you’ll smile and assure me that your own home is just as chaotic.
The living room will be an explosion of toys, misplaced shoes, and a half-folded laundry pile on the coffee table, along with a blanket and play mat spread out for the baby. You may even notice a light dusting of black dog hair on everything.
The Robot Vacuum
At some point, my beloved robot vacuum will whiz by, likely with a stray shoe or a dish precariously balanced on top. Thankfully, my three-year-old hasn’t attempted to place his baby brother on it yet!
Enter the Three-Year-Old
Soon, my three-year-old will appear, and there’s a high probability he’ll be running around either completely naked or only partially dressed. We’re still in the process of potty-training, and allowing him to roam free tends to yield better results.
I’ll probably forget that it’s unusual for a child to be dashing about like a tiny wildling and continue our conversation as if everything is perfectly normal. I’ll offer you a drink, but I’ll have to inform you that our options are limited to tap water, whole milk, expired coffee creamer, cheap beer, and an $8 bottle of wine.
Visitor Reactions
If you happen to be a delivery driver, you might give me a puzzled look before hurrying to get out. Just make sure to avoid tripping over the robot vacuum on your way out! However, if you’re a friend or family member, you’ll likely shrug off the chaos and enjoy some of my inexpensive wine.
Strangers trying to sell something might be puzzled by my hospitality, questioning why I’m inviting them to have a drink and sit down. If you want to pitch me something, you’ll at least have to listen to my little one belt out “Jingle Bells” while standing atop the coffee table.
Embracing the Chaos
Looking back, twenty-five-year-old me would be astonished at the life I’m leading now, but here I am, fully embracing a different dream than I once envisioned. So, if you ever feel inclined to drop by, please do! I’m sharing this in hopes of preparing you for what to expect upon your arrival. I’ll have that inexpensive bottle of wine ready for you!
Additional Resources
For more insights on parenting and home insemination, check out this informative post on intracervical insemination. And if you’re considering your own journey to parenthood, Make A Mom offers excellent resources. Also, for a deeper dive into pregnancy and IVF, refer to this resource.
In summary, unexpected visits to my home can be quite the adventure, filled with chaos, laughter, and a genuine glimpse into the beautiful chaos of family life.