Updated: Dec. 20, 2023
Originally Published: May 10, 2015
As a mother, I don’t demand much on Mother’s Day. A few sweet kisses from my little ones and a homemade card, even if it’s scribbled, would make my day. But if I could indulge in a dream list of gifts, here’s what would top that list:
- A wine tap. Imagine a beer tap, but it dispenses wine. Pure bliss, right?
- Just five minutes of solitude. Honestly, I’d take three-and-a-half and call it a win.
- Gwyneth Paltrow to tattoo “I’m better than you” on her forehead. Just a thought!
- A case of Magnum caramel center ice cream bars. Actually, let’s make it a delivery truck parked in my driveway.
- Celebrities to stop spreading anti-science beliefs, especially regarding vaccines. It’d be refreshing if non-experts would stop writing self-help books filled with unverified medical advice.
- Chubby midsections to come back in style, just like they did during the Renaissance. Can we make this happen?
- A font dedicated to sarcasm. I can’t be the only one who needs this!
- A “you-know-what-you-can-do-with-that” font. As a writer, I’d find this incredibly useful.
- A Facebook filter to block all those selling momtrepreneur products. I really don’t need more face cream or candles, and buying sex toys from friends is just awkward.
- Women should embrace their wrinkles. Let’s celebrate facial expressions and put the Botox industry out of business!
- Heels that don’t feel like I’m teetering on stilts. Is it just me?
- A simple “thank you” every now and then would be nice. Just two words.
- Fat-burning cake. How is this not a thing yet?
- Childfree individuals should stop giving parenting advice. It’s like getting dating tips from a monk.
- Sleeping pills for toddlers should be legalized by the FDA. Seems like a no-brainer, right?
- A robot that collects all the toys in a toddler’s room at night and hides them. Seriously, where is this tech?
- Extra-large diaper wipes that are the size of paper towels. They’d be perfect for cleaning everything from my baby’s backside to my kitchen counters. Bonus points if they smell like furniture polish or “new car.”
- A cartoon that teaches kids the art of silence. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this?
- A maid would be amazing. I can practically hear my Italian grandmother’s ghost telling me to clean up!
- The invention of a weight-loss plan involving wine and Goldfish crackers. Now that’s something I could stick to.
- A Twitter filter to block all those who tweet about exercise instead of coffee in the morning. Seriously, who are these people?
- Gisele Bundchen gaining 75 pounds might help her understand that not every mom has the luxury of perfect body standards.
- Millionaire moms need to stop complaining about the struggles of motherhood. We get it, but it’s a bit annoying.
- A foot rub that lasts more than a minute and a half? Why even bother offering?
- A memoir titled “My Descent Out Of Hell – Memories From A Tiger Mom Cub” should definitely be on the shelves soon.
- A study proving that moms who enjoy moderate drinking and a bit of swearing raise the most well-adjusted kids would be interesting.
- Know-it-all parents need to stop penning letters criticizing others. Enough already!
- The ability to look fabulous in white jeans. I know it’s impractical with toddlers, but a girl can dream.
- I never want to see another “what not to say to a pregnant person/new mom” list again. It’s overwhelming!
- Women who have kids in their late thirties should be called “smart and ready,” not “advanced maternal age.” Who’s calling us old?
If you’re interested in more relatable insights, check out one of our other blog posts for additional laughs and truths about parenting. Also, if you’re considering starting a family, reputable resources like American Pregnancy provide excellent information on donor insemination.
In summary, this Mother’s Day, let’s celebrate the little things that make motherhood both challenging and rewarding. From a few moments of peace to the right tools to navigate this journey, it’s the thought that counts!
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