8 Experiences I Will Never Subject My Vagina To

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Dear Vagina,

In this ever-evolving world, I want to assure you that there are certain things I will never put you through. Here are eight experiences that are firmly off-limits:

1. Vagina Knitting: No matter how lonely I might feel in my golden years or how many cats I adopt, I will never resort to knitting with a skein of yarn. The thought of crafting a cozy scarf or baby blanket by tugging on yarn between my legs is utterly absurd. Even if those outdoor cats need little coats for winter, I promise, you will not be involved in knitting those!
2. Vagina Yogurt: While I may be on a budget, I will never turn you into a food source. Yes, I read about that adventurous college student who made yogurt from her own “good” bacteria. But trust me, I loathe yogurt in all forms, and I would never entertain the idea of such a culinary experiment. The thought of where she sourced her blueberries makes me shudder.
3. Vagina Waxing: Fear not, my dear! The idea of a “hair removal technician” applying hot wax and ripping hair from your roots is far too traumatic for me. What if the technician is overly caffeinated and too eager? I can’t imagine losing a part of you in this process. You are perfect just the way you are, and we don’t need to conform to any unrealistic standards!
4. Vagina Piercing: I can’t fathom why anyone would want to pierce their clitoral hood. The pain would likely be excruciating, and the potential for unexpected arousal in public is not something I want to risk. I can’t imagine how awkward it would be to have a “Meg Ryan moment” while grocery shopping—definitely not something I want my son’s friends to witness!
5. Vagina Bleaching: The notion of whitening intimate skin is baffling. You’ve always been radiant, and I can’t picture waking up and questioning your glow. I can just hear my coworkers complimenting your newfound vibrancy! Let’s embrace your natural beauty instead of trying to alter it.
6. Vagina Steaming: This one is easy. I won’t be steaming you over some bizarre concoction of herbs and potions. I see zero wrinkles on you, so why would I put you through that? Any claims of holistic benefits are simply not worth the risk, and I refuse to subject you to the whims of celebrity trends.
7. Vagina Collagen: The idea of injecting collagen into the G-spot for enhanced sexual gratification sounds ridiculous to me. For $1500, we could embark on a vacation instead! Let’s save the money for experiences that truly matter, not for temporary fixes that promise pleasure.
8. Vagina Decorating: The trend of “vajazzling” your lady parts is truly perplexing. I appreciate your desire to feel pretty, but the chaos of hot glue, sequins, and potential mess is too daunting. Plus, I’m sure you’re already stunning without any unnecessary embellishments.

So, there you have it—my commitment to keeping you away from these ludicrous trends. Just think about how liberating it will be when we can embrace the natural look once again. You’ll be the envy of all those who’ve succumbed to fads, while we proudly rock the authentic vibe!

In case you want more insights, check out this post on Cervical Insemination. And for those interested in at-home insemination options, Make a Mom offers reputable syringe kits. For a wealth of information about pregnancy and home insemination, visit Mount Sinai’s resources.

To summarize, I vow to protect you from these unnecessary and bizarre experiences. Embracing our natural selves is the way to go, and we will thrive without the pressures of modern trends.