My son, Jake, is 5 years old—full of energy, sensitivity, and a touch of caution. He’s my firstborn, and I adore him. I express my love daily: in the morning, as he heads off to school, during our goodnight routine, and throughout our busy days. Yet, I can count on one hand how many times he has returned the sentiment.
Most of the time, it doesn’t bother me. I know he loves me. His face lights up, and he joyfully calls out “Mommy!” whenever we reunite after even a short separation. He instinctively reaches for my hand when he feels scared or sad, and he creates colorful drawings filled with monsters, hearts, and planets. He confides in me about his little world. Still, there are moments when I yearn to hear the words “I love you” from him.
About a year ago, shortly after his sister, Lily, was born, he hit a mini-phase where he would declare, “I hate you.” The first time it pierced my heart, but I calmly explained that those words were hurtful. He seemed to grasp that.
A few days later, while driving home from school, Jake expressed interest in wearing nail polish that belonged to Lily. I told him he needed to ask her first. From the backseat, I heard him mumble something, followed by a loud “I hate you.” As we arrived home, I silently unbuckled everyone, handed the baby to my husband, and retreated to my room, overwhelmed by tears. I felt like I was pouring out love and care, yet I received heartbreak in return.
Eventually, I gathered myself and went back downstairs, ready to talk. But as soon as I saw Jake, the hurt resurfaced, and I couldn’t hold back the tears. Alarmed by my tears, he wailed, “I’m sorry! Don’t cry!” But what I desperately wanted was to hear him say he loved me.
A few days later, after tucking him in, Jake admitted, “Mommy, I made a mistake. That time I said I hated you? That was a mistake.” I reassured him, “I know it was.” He stopped using those harsh words, but “I love you” still didn’t follow.
Lily, on the other hand, is free with her affection, often exclaiming, “I love you!” at the most unexpected times. One night, as she expressed her affection for a family member, Jake looked worried. “I don’t know if I do,” he replied. Love is complicated, and explaining it to a logical child can be challenging.
I thought I had come to terms with not needing verbal affirmation from him. But then came a Monday that tested my resolve. My husband usually takes Lily to school while I drop off Jake. As we pulled out of our driveway, we noticed Lily’s sad face pressed against the window, tears streaming down her cheeks. I explained to Jake, “She’s feeling really sad. It’s hard for her when Daddy drops her off.” To my dismay, he replied, “I like Daddy more than you.” Ouch.
I responded calmly, “That’s not very nice. That hurts my feelings.” Flustered, he backtracked, “I mean, I don’t know. I like both of you. I don’t know who I like more.” My inner thoughts were swirling—“Like? Really, like? You don’t know who brought you into this world!” Instead, I gently said, “You don’t need to like either of us more.”
We continued our drive, but my heart ached for those three little words. It seemed so easy for him to express love for his toys or cartoons, but not for me. After a few moments of silence, I said, “I love you. I really love you a lot. I know you don’t like to say it, but I know you love me too.”
Through the rearview mirror, I caught his gaze. He looked down, and for a moment, I thought he would shake his head. Instead, he nodded, tears brimming in his eyes. He reached out from the back seat, but our hands couldn’t touch. I reached back and jokingly said, “I can’t…reach…you.” We both chuckled, and just like that, the moment passed. He didn’t say it, but deep down, I knew. I just knew.
If you’re navigating the emotional journey of parenting and relationships, remember that love can manifest in many forms—sometimes without words. For more insights on family building and the emotional aspects of parenting, check out this excellent resource on family-building options. Not to mention, if you’re on a journey toward creating your own family, you may want to explore this insightful post on home insemination.
Summary
This article reflects on the heartfelt journey of a mother, Lisa, grappling with her son Jake’s reluctance to verbally express love. Through various experiences, she navigates her emotional landscape while finding comfort in the unspoken bonds they share. Ultimately, Lisa learns to accept that love can be communicated in myriad ways, even when words are scarce.