I was just 14 when the first message arrived. My mom had spent years preparing me for it, explaining the reasons behind it, but I still found myself wondering—WHY? She reassured me that I wouldn’t need to be scared and promised to guide me in responding. Nonetheless, when it hit, I screamed in a bowling alley bathroom stall.
Uterus: Hey, what’s up?
Me: Who is this?
My mom teared up when I told her. She gently wiped my cheek with the back of her hand and pulled me into a hug. I shrugged, feeling more awkward in my own skin than ever.
As the months went by, I got used to my uterus’s notifications, but the awkwardness didn’t fade. I had inherited a uterus that seemed to have its own agenda, thriving on unpredictable, Niagara Falls-level menstrual cycles.
Uterus: Wasssssupppp?!
Me: You again? Really?!
Just when I thought I had her figured out, she’d switch things up.
Uterus: 3…
Me: Huh?
Uterus: 2…
Me: Wait!
Uterus: 1…
Uterus: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Me: Not quite the surprise I was hoping for.
And of course, she wasn’t one to take the blame.
Uterus: Woops, sorry.
Me: In the library… on cloth seats… seriously?!
Uterus: Four hours since our last bathroom visit, are YOU kidding ME?!
But like any relationship, we eventually found a groove that allowed for a little more sass, a language only those with a shared history understand.
Me: Did you ever get the Advil I sent? Should have arrived like four hours ago.
Uterus: Yeah, I saw it, but I’m not really in the mood. Let’s find some Aleve and watch Titanic.
Text Uterus 6
Me: What’s going on with you today?
Uterus: I just need some air. Lay off the tight pants today.
Me: But these are cute…
Uterus: Put on some sweatpants, or I’m popping another button.
Text Uterus 7
Uterus: What’s the plan for tonight?
Me: Going out to dinner with friends.
Uterus: OMG, WE NEED DESSERT!
Me: No, I’m trying to be good.
Uterus: Right, so two desserts plus 90% of the chips and salsa!
Then one day, while curled up on the couch binge-watching A Baby Story on TLC, I had a bit of a uterine revelation (totally normal, right?). I thought back to that first awkward message in the bathroom stall and every inconvenient one that followed. I recalled all the ruined underwear and the panic of “I need to find a bathroom NOW!” I remembered the cramps, the fatigue, and all those symptoms that Midol commercials seem to endlessly list between rounds of Wheel of Fortune.
For 14 years, my uterus had been like a quiet companion, just biding her time until she made a grand entrance during my teenage years. And oh, how I had resented her for that.
But as I watched new moms weeping into the bellies of their slimy newborns, I came to see that my uterus, though occasionally temperamental, was pretty badass in her own right. So, I raised my glass of green tea and a piece of Hershey’s dark chocolate to the day she would send me the most beautiful message ever.
Text Uterus: Baby on board.
This article was originally published on April 13, 2016. If you’re looking for more insightful content, check out our other blog posts, like this one from Intracervical Insemination.
Summary:
This humorous reflection chronicles the author’s journey with her unpredictable uterus from the awkward first message at 14 to embracing its role in her life. With a mix of sass and wit, she navigates the challenges of menstruation and motherhood while ultimately recognizing the strength and significance of her uterus.