Updated: April 11, 2023
Originally Published: April 11, 2023
“Hey, how was school today?” I asked my 5-year-old as she strapped herself into her car seat with her little, dimpled fingers.
“I had a fantastic day!” she beamed. “I made a cloud out of cotton balls, and Jason kissed me on the lips!”
Well, here we go again. I never expected to be catapulted into this moment. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, drifting through time and space until I landed in a bright light, where my late grandma stood, wearing a flowing white robe and an amused smile.
“Just take me now,” I thought, trying to push past her. “I can’t handle this!”
“Oh, sweetie, I know,” she replied. “It’s called parenting.” With that, she pressed her heel on my forehead, sending me crashing back into the driver’s seat to face yet another unexpected parenting moment.
This wasn’t the first surprise I’ve encountered. Since my three daughters entered the world, I’ve found myself unprepared for many important conversations. Now that they’re 4, 5, and 6, here’s a glimpse into 12 discussions I didn’t expect to tackle until they were at least teenagers:
- Attitude
Thank you, car radio, for turning snappy backtalk into catchy, repetitive lyrics. Yes, girl, I know you were “born this way.” I witnessed it myself. Now, please remove that belly shirt immediately. - Loss
After attending my husband’s great uncle’s funeral last year, I’m caught between offering reassurances about something better awaiting and my daughters begging to go to heaven where they can “finally do anything they want.” - Girl Drama
This one starts early, and trust me, experience doesn’t help. It’s just as tough when your child faces rejection at recess as it was for you 30 years ago. - Self-Image
“Mom, I don’t want to wear my winter coat because it makes me look big,” my 6-year-old said, and I recognized my own voice coming from her. Panic set in, realizing I’m now her self-esteem role model. - Cursing
No idea where they learned it, but it could be from my response to her coat comment: “Naw, girl, you look fabulous. Damn fabulous!” - The Talk
“Mommy, how did that baby get in her tummy?”
“Let’s focus on how that baby is getting out, shall we?”
Five minutes later: “And that’s why we don’t kiss boys on the playground.” - Real-Life Villains
Intruder drills are now commonplace. If you have a way to explain to kids why that shouldn’t scare them, please, share your wisdom. - Tech Gadgets
No, you cannot have a cellphone for your 7th birthday. You have two friends who also don’t own cellphones. - Social Media
My friends say the average age for Instagram is 10. Ten! I shared my concerns, but they assured me their kids’ accounts are private and only consist of silly selfies for two followers. It took all my strength to refrain from launching into a lecture about “the issues with kids these days.” - Sports Disappointment
Last year, my kindergartner spent most of the soccer season on the bench. She hated it. My husband confronted the coach, we quit. End of story. - Higher Education
Our financial advisor says college will cost approximately 5.2 billion dollars a year by the time our oldest graduates high school. What I thought would be a few bucks tossed into a savings account has turned into a major monthly expense that’s eating into my Ann Taylor Loft emergency fund. - Friend’s Insight on Mood Swings
You might think you’re safe from girl hormones, but boys can ride the mood roller coaster just as quickly as girls do.
To all the parents out there, good luck! The world today is so different from when we were kids, and everything seems to have advanced by five to seven years—except the belly shirts. Thank goodness Instagram didn’t exist back in our day.