As a mother, my heart carries a multitude of emotions and memories. I can still vividly recall the first gentle movements of my children within me—one felt like a delicate fish swimming, while the other was as subtle as a firefly flickering to life. The moments right after their births remain etched in my mind, their tiny, wailing bodies pressed against my skin. I also carry the memory of the child I lost within my heart, even though I was only pregnant for a brief week. The “what ifs” linger, adding to a sense of mourning for that little soul.
Fear, too, occupies space in my heart. I still remember the day my child fainted in the bathtub, a terrifying moment when I thought I had lost him. Then there was that summer afternoon when my toddler dashed into a busy parking lot, and I sprinted after him, propelled by instinct and sheer panic.
Yet, alongside this love and protectiveness for my children, I have come to realize the mental load that comes with motherhood is substantial. When I first saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, my heart swelled with love, but I did not anticipate the many responsibilities that would also fill my mind.
It appears that these small humans have little capacity to keep track of their lives, despite their busy routines. They require homework, clean clothes that fit, and a refrigerator that seems to empty at an alarming rate. My husband, though a wonderful father and provider, often lacks the mental bandwidth to manage these details. Thus, the responsibility falls to me, and I have become adept at managing this intricate web of information. However, I sometimes worry that this constant thinking may explain why my “momnesia” persists well beyond the early years of parenting. I find it challenging to quiet my mind at night, and even simple tasks, like completing a crossword puzzle with my child, can feel overwhelming.
Currently, my mind is occupied with various details, including:
- The location and water levels of each child’s water bottle and when they will need replenishing.
- The last time my toddler had a bowel movement, its consistency, and my prediction for the next one (which is crucial for diaper planning).
- A comprehensive inventory of my child’s backpack contents, right down to the ruler and lint-covered mittens that are often requested.
- An awareness of each pair of pants my boys own, including any holes and when they will soon need replacements.
- The exact timing of when each child fell asleep and woke up, allowing me to predict the impending evening chaos.
- A mental catalog of snacks in the cupboard and how much remains in each container.
- The whereabouts of every toy in the house—except for those small, easily lost items that disappear inexplicably.
- Records of each child’s last medical appointments and the upcoming need for new ones.
- Endless lists of items I need to track, such as library books to reserve, birthday and holiday gifts to purchase, essentials needing replacement, vitamins to reorder, and those specialty peanut butter crackers from the store several towns away.
- A schedule of permission slips that require signatures, upcoming projects and assignments, PTA meeting dates, and the playdates my eldest child believes he has “earned.”
While I sometimes feel overwhelmed by this mental load, I know that one day there will be room in my mind for other pursuits. I hope to revisit reading novels, which currently seem daunting after enduring anything over 800 words. As my children grow, I trust they will begin to manage some of these details themselves.
For now, I carry this mental burden, which can feel exhausting and frustrating. However, when I reflect on how fleeting these moments are, I find beauty in this chaos. From the worn jeans that need mending to the little ringlets that require trimming, these details define not only their lives but mine as their mother.
These sweet boys have already captured my heart, and while they may take a few brain cells along the way, I hope to reclaim some of them in the future.
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Summary
Motherhood encompasses a wide range of emotional experiences and responsibilities. Alongside love and joy, mothers often shoulder the mental load of managing their children’s needs, from daily routines to health appointments. This intricate balance can be challenging but also highlights the fleeting beauty of parenting.