Recently, it was time for my annual check-up, and after putting it off for a few months, I finally made that dreaded appointment. On the day of the visit, I prepared meticulously, going above and beyond in my grooming efforts—more than I ever did while dating, honestly. Yet deep down, I knew that my efforts were likely to go unnoticed by a doctor who examines women’s nether regions on a daily basis. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of panic at the thought of the “Sasquatch situation” I normally sported down there, so preparations were necessary.
As I entered the office, I tried to exude confidence, all while being hyper-aware that I had convinced my partner to take me out for drinks before he got a peek south of the border. I greeted the receptionist with a smile, attempting to distract myself from the reality that I had forgotten to shave my legs.
Once in the exam room, my mind raced with countless thoughts. Stepping on the scale was embarrassing enough, but then came the questions about my alcohol consumption. The atmosphere was set for awkwardness, especially with the stark contrast of being naked under a flimsy drape and surrounded by instruments that no man would ever tolerate near his privates.
Surely, I can’t be the only one who has experienced these thoughts during a gynecological visit:
- They should really offer mimosas here.
- Oops, I just peed before I left. How am I supposed to give a urine sample now?
- That weight is definitely not mine; subtract 10 pounds for my boots and jeans, please!
- How much alcohol in a week? Glasses or bottles?
- I saw that eyebrow raise, Nurse-You-Made-Me-Fat. We both know I’m not being truthful about my wine intake.
- Recreational drugs? If only!
- A countdown clock would be helpful to know when the doctor is coming in.
- Oh no, I forgot to shave my legs!
- Why aren’t there any pictures of Chris Hemsworth or Justin Timberlake on the walls? Those medical diagrams only remind me of how far my abs have disappeared.
- Achoo! Great, now the exam table is wet.
- It’s freezing in here. Seriously, my nipples could cut glass.
- And here comes the doctor. Oh great, he’s shaking my hand. How many vaginas has he seen today?
- Sexual activity? More like trying to get out of it, Doc.
- At least he’s not judging me for not flossing regularly.
- What kind of birth control am I using? Well, technically, I have four kids!
- Sure, I do self-exams every day—just as often as I floss, right?
- Questions? I’d rather ask my best friend about my Sahara-like dryness.
- Wow, my boobs are huge and saggy. Is that hair around my nipples?
- Why isn’t the nurse saying anything? Please, save me from my misery!
- Should’ve kept my socks on.
- No, I can’t scoot down further. Any closer and you’ll need milk with those cookies, Doc!
- We’ve accomplished so much as a society, yet they can’t even warm the lube gel?
- Is this a good time to mention I could actually give that urine sample now?
- How thoughtful of him to share his family trip to Disney while my personal space is being invaded!
- I could really use a pedicure.
- Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart…
- A little pressure? Seriously, it feels like you’re trying to shove a watermelon up there.
- If he says, “Houston, we have a problem,” I might just kick him.
- Why aren’t there any pictures of Chris Hemsworth or Justin Timberlake on the ceiling?
- Don’t sneeze, don’t sneeze…
- I really have to pee!
- Everything looks fine? That’s a relief; I take pride in my cervix!
- Yes, I look forward to next year. The pleasure of this experience was all mine, really.
- Where on earth did my underwear go? It was right there!
- Do I leave the drape on the bed or toss it?
Going to the gynecologist is undoubtedly a humbling experience, but it could be worse if the doctor could hear my inner monologue. For a little extra support, check out this excellent resource on treating infertility or consider browsing the selection at Make a Mom for at-home insemination kits. And if you want to dig deeper into related topics, don’t miss our post on Cervical Insemination.
In summary, while these visits can be embarrassing, they’re a necessary part of taking care of our health. Embracing the humor in these situations can make them a bit easier to handle.
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